Top Tips

davelufc

Found some old `VIZ` mags the ther day, I forgot how funny these were!!!

Feel free to add some of yours.

SAUSAGE rolls sewn together side by side make an excellent emergency hat for judges.

HAVE FUN in the supermarket next time you go alcohol shopping. Fill you trolley to bursting point with booze, then add one packet of nappies. When paying, pretend that you don't have enough money and put the nappies back. Watch the faces of the checkout personnel. Priceless.

PRETEND to be a tiny person by pouring all the crisps from a multi-pack bag into the big bag they came in, and eating them out of that

FOOL POTENTIAL car thieves into thinking there is a large dog in your parked vehicle by leaving the windows slightly open.

MEN. WHEN listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

TOWN COUNCILS. Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.

SMALL DOG owners. Too lazy to take the little fellow out for a walk? Simply place him on a record player turntable and tie his lead to the arm. Set it away at 33rpm for a gentle stroll, 45 rpm for a good walk and 78 rpm for a jog.

SPOOK OWNERS of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorially and touch your nose.

LANDLORDS. Save thousands of pounds paying hugely inflated monthly rates for Sky Sports by simply painting a small white pint glass with Tippex in the bottom right-hand corner of your TV screen.

VespaPX

ALWAYS keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

WHEN buying fruit by the pound, buy grapes instead of apples. Apples are much heavier.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

MANCHESTER UNITED fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake p_enis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.