Haddenuff: The Sequel.

FlutNush · December 2009

Looking for proof that Poker is rigged and completely bent? Come into my office.

Picture the scene: it's 3am and I'm playing Poker (yes, I know I should have been in bed dreaming about being able to fly; driving a Lamborghini; or being surrounded by nubile women wanting to lick me on the face, but I'm a hopeless addict, so let's just move on, shall we?)

It's 50p/£1 blinds and Hero is in early position and raises to £6 with pocket Aces. Everyone folds, except Donkey-Villain, who calls with Queen King. The flop brings rag, rag, Queen, and on an un-raised pot, Villian bets half the pot. Hero immediately check-raises to an eye watering £200. That indicates some strength, right? Or a massive bluff. What would you do?

More importantly, what does the Villain do? Yep, you guessed it: the idiot calls... and then hits the King on the River.

Am I bitter? No, not really. Because as it happens, I was the Donkey Villain on this occasion. It was me who made the bad call and administered the 'bad beat'.

I admit to being quite tipsy, and to give this some more perspective; had been sitting at a live game that was quite simply ludicrous: People raising to £40 pre-flop (with air), or limping for £1, and then raising to £80 on a board of rags... that kind of thing. Apart from being utterly Langered, I simply got tired of being bullied off of big hands, so made a slightly dodgy call – that just happened to work in my favour.

Will you hear me moan or whinge? No. I accepted this bad beat with dignity: I immediately left the table, tipped the cocktail waitress, the dealer, and the cabbie on the way home, and woke up this morning with a bursting wallet... all after a night out with mates, a good meal, and a nice game of (mad) Poker.

So why is it that others can't accept an outdraw with as much finesse as me? I really have no idea, but think I should be elected as President of something important with immediate effect.

The moral of the story is: If you want something safe and reliable, buy a Volvo. If you want unpredictability, ebbs and flows, profit and loss, an adrenaline boost, a sense of raw danger and imminent disaster, an electric feeling of connectivity with the Universe, then play cards. It really is that simple.

For the avoidance of doubt, I receive no commission or remuneration for recommending Volvos.