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JOKES (feel free to add more)

scottiebscottieb
edited September 2010 in The Shed
Wayne Rooney returns home from training and decides to come clean with Coleen about his extra marital affairs. He sits her down and says to her the front page of tomorrows Sun newspaper will have the headline Wayne pays £1200 for 19 year old escort. Coleen stunned by this says for that ammount of money I hope its taxed and mot'd.
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  • scottiebscottieb
    edited September 2010
    The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "is this your wife sir?"
    Shocked I answered "yes". They said "I'm afraid it looks like shes been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality".
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  • scottiebscottieb
    edited September 2010
    I was in a supermarket the other day when I noticed a woman who kept staring at me so I decided to approach her and said "Do I know you" she replied "are you not the father of one of my children".I thought back to the one and only time i had been unfaithful and said "are you th h**ker I s*****d over the pool table on my stag night while your mate spanked my a**e with the wet celery". "No" she replied "I;m your daughters teacher*.
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  • scottiebscottieb
    edited September 2010
    Paddy O;Reilly was walking along a street in dublin when a motorist stopped him to ask directions. "Can you tell me the quickest way to the city centre" asked the motorist. "Are you walking or driving" Paddy asked "Driving" said the motorist to which paddy replied "Yeah thats the quickest way"
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  • scottiebscottieb
    edited September 2010
    A friend of mine has just been on Dragons Den with his new invention a machine that helps closet gays admit thier sexuallity. Peter jones was just about to ask him to prove that it worked when deborah butted in and said "let me tell you where i am I'M OUT"
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  • scottiebscottieb
    edited September 2010
    Little Johnny returns home one day and catches his mum and dad at it on the sofa. Embarrased by this his dad says to him "I was filling mummy with petrol just like we do the car". Johnny replies "Christ she dont do much to the gallon uncle Tommy filled her up this morning"
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  • philthemilphilthemil
    edited September 2010
    why have women got small feet.    so they can stand closer to the sink.
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  • QDMCGRAWQDMCGRAW
    edited September 2010
    Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
















    A: By the time you've finished on the bre@st and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box for the bone.
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  • QDMCGRAWQDMCGRAW
    edited September 2010
    A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"

    I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."

    As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those fu cking Rowntree's Randoms!"
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  • QuietmanQuietman
    edited September 2010
    I found my girlfriends secret diary yesterday and couldn't resist a sneaky read, one of the entries was 'everytime we make love I fantasise about rough sex with A n al',   I was a little bit surprised by this but it really turned me on as well. Then I remembered she is dyslexic and my best mate is called Alan
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  • FILIPSEBOFILIPSEBO
    edited September 2010

    There was a group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a man got up and said that he could tell a Celtic joke.

    Suddenly a bloke in the back of the bus said 'No, dont do that pal. I'm a Celtic fan!' The guide looked at him and said 'That's okay we'll explain it to you afterwards'.

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  • FILIPSEBOFILIPSEBO
    edited September 2010
    In Response to Re: JOKES (feel free to add more):
    Ashley Cole told reporters I have scored every Saturday this season.  Reporter said,  so you have 21 goals ?   Ashley Cole,  "No"   21 girls.!!!
    Posted by logdon


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  • emilyeggemilyegg
    edited September 2010
    I know a bloke who sells land mines that look like prayer mats.

    He said prophets are going through the roof.
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  • thorpey1thorpey1
    edited September 2010
    how do you get 45 women to say b@lloks       shout bingo
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  • QDMCGRAWQDMCGRAW
    edited September 2010
    I feel sorry for the McCanns.

    Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
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