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Jock Jokes
Jock's getting married at the weekend, he tells his mate Mac 'im going to be dressed all traditional, sporran, kilt, the whole works' mac says 'whats the tartan?' Jock says 'i dont know but i reckon she'll be in white'
Jock takes his wife to the hospital, she has 2 black eyes, a broken jaw, cut lip and a bleeding nose. The doctor says 'how did all this happen' Jock says 'she's been going through the change doctor' Doctor says 'dont be ridiculous, you dont get all those injuries when going through the change' Jock says 'ya do if the change is in ma pocket'
Comments
Here's a better one though ;
When God was creating the Earth, He took St Peter with Him (to learn the trade). Having made all the necessary components, the time came to distribute them among the various nations of man.
The Arab nations got blistering deserts, the Eskimos got eternal cold, the Tibetans got inhospitably high mountains ... and Scotland got the most beautiful landscape in the world. St Peter looked on.
Turning to water, the people of Atacame got none, the people of Bangladesh got too much (and al at once) but the people of Scotland got exactly the right amount of the clearest, sweetest water in the world. St Peter was surprised.
Creating Women, God sent all the shot-putters to Russia, all the stern humourless women to Germany, all the unaffordably high maintenance shoe shoppers to Italy, and all the sweetest, bonniest lassies in the world to Scotland. St Peter was becoming concerned and he spoke up.
"Excuse me, God," he said. "You have given all the best scenery, the sweetest water and the bonniest lassies to Scotland. Why should they be lucky above all other Men?"
"Lucky?" replied God. "They are far from lucky. From My own guilt, I will go on to put the best of fish in their rivers, the best of game on their hills and I will hive them My own recipe for the Drink of the God, to help them forget how I have cursed them."
"Curse?" asked St Peter. "What curse? All I have seen you give them has been the very best."
"Yes," replied God, "but you did not see that I have already given them the Neighbours from Hell."
Pointing at the display cabinet he says ''is that a doughnut or a merangue''.
The Sottish baker replies ''no...yer no wrang its a doughnut.
Who invented copper wire...........2 jocks arguing over a penny.