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A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them
Say the following
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two assis come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two assis, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The ladycan't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about
Our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about Sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
£5.00 says you're gonna read this again
Comments
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a Lady of the night and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
'Why?' Murphy asked.
'Because,' said O'Brien, 'all the street was sniggering when they saw the two of you making love yesterday.'
'Nosey blighters said Murphy. 'Well, the laugh's on them. I wasn't at home yesterday.'
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't pee me off!"
Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk. Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
What's the difference between Iron Man & Iron Woman...
Ones an endurance race for men the other is an instruction..
1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." 3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Her oin."
Why did god invent the female or gasm....so they can still have a moan while they're enjoying themselves!
2 blondes are building a wooden house. One of them has a bag of nails and is taking them out, looking at them and hammering some of them in and throwing others away.
The other blonde looks at her and asks why she's throwing them away.
First blonde replies "If I take them out of the bag and they're pointing the wrong way, they must be faulty, so I'm chucking them"
Second blonde replies "You idiot - they're for the other side of the house".
> 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
> horse. I once rode her mother.'
>
> 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
> Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
>
> 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava
From Bulgaria .. I saw her snat ch this morning and it was amazing!'
>
> 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford - Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah,
> isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
> Cox of the Oxford crew.'
>
> 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
> playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out
> his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'
>
> 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
> Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
>
> 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
> snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,
> where's that
> eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
> leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
>
> 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much
Better today after a 69 yesterday.'
>
> 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
> 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
> like this.'
>
> 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
> 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
>
> 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
> astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
> 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
> come in his shorts.'
>
> 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie F anny
> Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick
Likes to use F anny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
"I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked him under the stairs.
do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently, the correct answer is Africa
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry.. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
JUSTIN...?
AND OTHERS HAVING TO STRAP A PLANK OF WOOD TO HIS BACKSIDE INCASE HE FALLS IN.
AND THE WARNING SIGN IS AN ECHO
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing you've already told her twice.
Like Michael Jackson, Jim always denied taking Drugs but BBC archives show he had lots of Fixes.?
R.I.P. jim. hugs xxx
I was playing poker with tarot cards the other night. I got a full house and four people died.