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Drunk poker - brilliant!!!!!
A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "No problem sir, but I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $100", said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a s k unk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could pee all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!".
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Because it was such a large amount of money, she asked to meet the manager first. The teller thought it was a reasonable request and after confirming that there was indeed around $3 million in the paper bag, he phoned the manager's secretary to arrange the meeting. The little old lady was escorted upstairs and into the manager's office. They introduced themselves to each other and the lady said she'd like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The manager asked the lady how she received such a large amount of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." she replied. "From playing the stock market?" "No." she answered. The bank manager went quiet for a minute, trying to think how this little old lady would gain $3 million. "I bet on things." she stated. "You bet?" repeated the manager, "As in horses?" "No," she replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by ten o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."
The bank manager, shocked by this sudden outburst, figured that she must be mad and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank manager was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at ten o'clock, humming as he walked. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At ten o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When the manager asked why he was there, the lady informed him that the young man was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there were large amounts of money involved. "Well?" she asked. "What about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer." The little old lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank manager thought this was reasonable enough and dropped his trousers. She asked him to bend over and then grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine.
The bank manager then looked up and saw the lady's lawyer standing across the room, banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by ten o'clock this morning I'd have the bank manager by the balls."
Its great to see you back xxx