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Dear Diedre (Pu)

unknown_usernameunknown_username
edited April 2010 in The Shed
Growing pains?, Performance worries?, Can't find a partner?)

I can help......




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  • Quagmire72Quagmire72
    edited February 2010

    Dear Diedre (Pu),

    I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.

    My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

    Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.

    I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

    My problem is this:

    Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

    Sincerely, Quaggy

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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010

    I would tell her about your brother but only if he is less wealthy than you and your better looking

    Never trust a family member with your attractive partner if they good looking imo 

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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    I trust this will be confidential.

    I have recently come in for some ribbing regarding my new hair-do. Certain members of this forum have gone out of their way to make disparaging comments about it, and some have even suggested that it's not my own hair (although I don't know how they can tell). I'm only a small dog and all this has caused me great pain and anguish. I feel that I should change my hair-do for something less suave and flattering. What are your thoughts Deirdre? Should I say hang-em all and carry on, or should I de-rug,

    I need a quick answer because I got it in the CarpetRight sale and it ends on Sunday if I want to return it and get a refund.
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  • Mr_MiyagiMr_Miyagi
    edited February 2010
    Dear Pu.

    I have a problem where I find myself "finishing" after only a couple of minutes, I have tried various techniques to try and last longer but none work.

    When I am on my own and "practising" in my bedroom I can last for a good 6 hours. But as soon as it gets down to the real thing I am a shakey mess and blow my whole pile early.


    Please help me Pu.


    P.s. Elsa I think your hair looks very handsome.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    I trust this will be confidential. I have recently come in for some ribbing regarding my new hair-do. Certain members of this forum have gone out of their way to make disparaging comments about it, and some have even suggested that it's not my own hair (although I don't know how they can tell). I'm only a small dog and all this has caused me great pain and anguish. I feel that I should change my hair-do for something less suave and flattering. What are your thoughts Deirdre? Should I say hang-em all and carry on, or should I de-rug, I need a quick answer because I got it in the CarpetRight sale and it ends on Sunday if I want to return it and get a refund.
    Posted by elsadog

    I'd let it go, if your going a little bald its always better to shave it off and let that shiny head breath.... and you will look well scary

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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    Dear Pu. I have a problem where I find myself "finishing" after only a couple of minutes, I have tried various techniques to try and last longer but none work. When I am on my own and "practising" in my bedroom I can last for a good 6 hours. But as soon as it gets down to the real thing I am a shakey mess and blow my whole pile early. Please help me Pu. P.s. Elsa I think your hair looks very handsome.
    Posted by Mr_Miyagi

    Sounds like your too use to playing with yourself, maybe get a friend round to practice on (heads up), or iv seen some very good "products" on the internet that look like the real thing



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  • emilyeggemilyegg
    edited February 2010
    HuFlungPu, Mr Miyagi, Elsadog, Quagmire.

    WORLD CLASS, all of you.

    Your daily professions are inferior to you. The comedy is solid gold. Thanks!!
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu) : I'd let it go, if your going a little bald its always better to shave it off and let that shiny head breath.... and you will look well scary
    Posted by HuFlungPu
    Dear Deidre

    Having listened to your advice I decided to go for a more aggressive image in the hope that it stops all the cruel jibes I've been receiving lately on the forum. I managed to get hold of a catalogue and went for what I thought was a 'violent rinse'

    I think I may have mis-read the wording. Do you think my attempt has been successful? I'm not sure although I do love the way the light reflects off my hair now. And there's no need to wear my reflective collar when I go walkies.............. so there are some plus points.
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  • Mr_MiyagiMr_Miyagi
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu) : Sounds like your too use to playing with yourself, maybe get a friend round to practice on (heads up), or iv seen some very good "products" on the internet that look like the real thing
    Posted by HuFlungPu
    Thanks for the advice, I tried to invite a "friend" around to help practice but her prices were too high and she would not even just go heads up with me.

    I looked around the internet like you suggested, I found a really interesting book which explains everythign about different positions and things I can do to not only last longer, but make it more satisfying.

    Thanks for the help.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu) : Dear Deidre Having listened to your advice I decided to go for a more aggressive image in the hope that it stops all the cruel jibes I've been receiving lately on the forum. I managed to get hold of a catalogue and went for what I thought was a 'violent rinse' I think I may have mis-read the wording. Do you think my attempt has been successful? I'm not sure although I do love the way the light reflects off my hair now. And there's no need to wear my reflective collar when I go walkies.............. so there are some plus points.
    Posted by elsadog

    Thats a great look and looks a lot more natural than the previous, i'm sure my nan has the same tone too

    You also look like a punk rock dog, which is never a bad thing

    Your going to have loads of dogs sniffing around you now
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu) : Thanks for the advice, I tried to invite a "friend" around to help practice but her prices were too high and she would not even just go heads up with me. I looked around the internet like you suggested, I found a really interesting book which explains everythign about different positions and things I can do to not only last longer, but make it more satisfying. Thanks for the help.
    Posted by Mr_Miyagi

    No problem, i have a few friends that are probably a lot cheaper than yours so if you really get stuck and need some live action let me know

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  • MAXALLYMAXALLY
    edited February 2010
    Dear Pu

    I hope this will also be treated in the utmost confidentiality. I have just recently fell out of love with this game they all call 'poker'. I feel that poker is treating me like a fool and taking me for a ride and extracting my money from me with great ease. I am not sure if I can take this treatment for much longer without cracking up.
    Do you think I should ignore poker for a while and see if after a period of time away, my luck changes?
    Do you also think that I should take up bingo calling whilst away so I can play this game like everyone else on this site upon my possible return?
    I hope you can help. If you cannot offer any advice, have you Webby's email because I know he will be more than happy to help me.

    Kind regards, love and respect.....

    Max......
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    Dear Max

    I know what its like to fall out of love with something, i use to love cherry coke until i saw a remarkable post on here about the dangers of it so had to give it up.
    When your confidence/luck is down it does seem that every card is against you, but turning to Webby for help is not the answer, he will just tempt you into a DYM game being really nice and friendly then nail you.
    Cowgomoo looks like a good option, but you really need to be loaded to sit with her and give her a good milking

    My best advice is give it a rest, play with yourself(Patience is good), take a bath then come back refreshed , and smelling lovely

    GL with it 

    Pu

     
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    I had a bath once.
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  • ACESOVER8sACESOVER8s
    edited February 2010
    Dear Deadrie,

    I am on the receiving end of a cruel mistress. she promises me riches but I pay the price everytime. I am the victim of her sick beats and she often sells me down the river. I can no loner bare this pain even though my friends here tell me i'll be ok in the longrun. I'm considering giving up these wild dreams and settling for a nice comfortable night in with a DVD and good company but i just can't resist her.... Please Help
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    dear die. can we call you die you see i suffer from schitzofrrenniaa can you help,i too suffer from schitzofrenniia help me plz i feel like two people and me
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    Dear Deadrie, I am on the receiving end of a cruel mistress. she promises me riches but I pay the price everytime. I am the victim of her sick beats and she often sells me down the river. I can no loner bare this pain even though my friends here tell me i'll be ok in the longrun. I'm considering giving up these wild dreams and settling for a nice comfortable night in with a DVD and good company but i just can't resist her.... Please Help
    Posted by ACESOVER8s

    Dear ACEOVER8s

    Having a Mistress always leads to trouble in the end no matter how dangerous and exciting she makes you feel, give her up and get a nice plain abc partner.
    As your friends say in the longrun it should even itself out, but have you got the funds to keep seeing this mistress and wait for that to happen?

    DVD is often a good option and i'd suggest The Goonies or Wizard Of Oz for that feel good factor

    GL and hope you take the advice

    Pu

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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    dear die. can we call you die you see i suffer from schitzofrrenniaa can you help,i too suffer from schitzofrenniia help me plz i feel like two people and me
    Posted by stokefc
    Dear Stokefc

    Sounds like this could be a big one, i'm unsure which one of you to talk too

    Look in the mirror every morning and say out loud "I am a normal , i am good at poker" 10 times

    This helped me feel good about myself and i really do think i'm normal now (not sure about the poker)

    GL to you and your mate

    Pu


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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    thanks m8 much appreciated yeah thanks m8
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  • MAXALLYMAXALLY
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    dear die. can we call you die you see i suffer from schitzofrrenniaa can you help,i too suffer from schitzofrenniia help me plz i feel like two people and me
    Posted by stokefc
    Stokey my friend, there is a schizophrenia meeting at Kings Hall tomorrow night mate.......

    I am in half a mind to go to it!
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  • MAXALLYMAXALLY
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    Dear Max I know what its like to fall out of love with something, i use to love cherry coke until i saw a remarkable post on here about the dangers of it so had to give it up. When your confidence/luck is down it does seem that every card is against you, but turning to Webby for help is not the answer, he will just tempt you into a DYM game being really nice and friendly then nail you. Cowgomoo looks like a good option, but you really need to be loaded to sit with her and give her a good milking My best advice is give it a rest, play with yourself( Patience  is good), take a bath then come back refreshed , and smelling lovely GL with it  Pu  
    Posted by HuFlungPu
    Thank you for your kind words and advice Mr Hu. I am glad that we can keep this conversation just between ourselves.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu) : Stokey my friend, there is a schizophrenia meeting at Kings Hall tomorrow night mate....... I am in half a mind to go to it!
    Posted by MAXALLY
    max m8y one of us might be able to go i think the other might be going the brit tmoz and on wednesday yeah ok cya on friday up maximes
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010

    Dear Hu,

    I'm writing this on behalf of a friend, it's not about me you understand.

    Anyway, a friend of mine has recently started sleepwalking. This has caused some embarrassing moments such as puddles appearing in the wardrobes, chest of drawers, his wife's best leather boots and a nasty incident when all the house plants suddenly turned brown and died.

    The sleepwalking problem has also had a rather drastic effect in as much as my friend, whilst sleepwalking, has fallen down the stairs twice. The first time he went down feet first, top to bottom, and ended up with multiple rear-end bruising. On the second occasion he went down head first and ended up in hospital for a considerable period with severe head injuries.

    My, ....... sorry, his problem is that upon returning from hospital he found that his wife has increased his life insurance fourfold and now spends all her time reading exotic holiday brochures. Not only that but she now insists on making him cheese on toast for his supper. Now don't get me wrong I .......  sorry, he loves cheese on toast but it does have a tendency to make him sleepwalk. The child-safety gate he had fitted to the top of the stairs has vanished and the carpet replaced with hardwood flooring.

    My question is, should I ....... sorry, should he worry and is he wrong to be a bit suspicious. I need an answer fairly quickly because after 5 weeks, I don't think I can stay awake much longer.

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  • AIRWALKERAIRWALKER
    edited February 2010
    Dear Hu,

    I need your help. I have been happily knocking off a top female pop and tv star for a while now.

    We didn't think it was too bad and out of order because her good for nothing sporting husband has cheated on her too on many occasions over the last couple of years.

    Now she has texted me and said she is leaving him and they are getting divorced.

    This has left me in a right old quandry as you can imagine because it might mean that she is going to get all heavy with me and want a proper relationship and i would never be able to get rid of the bunny boiler.

    How should i end it with her ? I mean, it was ok for a bit of a laugh and she's dead sexy but i want to play the field for another 30 years before i get shacked up with a nag machine.

    Please help me mate.................quickly

    Thanks

    Airwalker
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    Dear Hu, I'm writing this on behalf of a friend, it's not about me you understand. Anyway, a friend of mine has recently started sleepwalking. This has caused some embarrassing moments such as puddles appearing in the wardrobes, chest of drawers, his wife's best leather boots and a nasty incident when all the house plants suddenly turned brown and died. The sleepwalking problem has also had a rather drastic effect in as much as my friend, whilst sleepwalking, has fallen down the stairs twice. The first time he went down feet first, top to bottom, and ended up with multiple rear-end bruising. On the second occasion he went down head first and ended up in hospital for a considerable period with severe head injuries. My, ....... sorry, his problem is that upon returning from hospital he found that his wife has increased his life insurance fourfold and now spends all her time reading exotic holiday brochures. Not only that but she now insists on making him cheese on toast for his supper. Now don't get me wrong I .......  sorry, he loves cheese on toast but it does have a tendency to make him sleepwalk. The child-safety gate he had fitted to the top of the stairs has vanished and the carpet replaced with hardwood flooring. My question is, should I ....... sorry, should he worry and is he wrong to be a bit suspicious. I need an answer fairly quickly because after 5 weeks, I don't think I can stay awake much longer.
    Posted by elsadog


    Dear Elsa

    Sorry about the length of time it took for me to reply but i had to phone Graham on this one  (Jeremy Kyle "Genius") 

    We both a agree your friends been through a lot and first thing he has to do is never wear socks to bed (slippery hardwood)

    I wouldn't worry too much about the holiday brochures all women look through them, but i'm very concerned about the cheese, What cheese is this cheese? Is a strong cheese? and is she melting this cheese on the toast?  or slicing it in thin slices? Is she putting the other bit of toast on top of the cheese resulting in a toast like  sandwich?. Graham and myself believe cheese is to blame for half the problems this Country has.

    Its probably best to accept the cheese gift but somehow ditch it (don't give it to the dog)

    Last resort is tie yourself ....i mean your friends legs together so if he sleep walks he can only slither slowly across the floor resulting in less chance of serious injury

    Hope you can help him

    GL

    Pu





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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    Dear Hu, I need your help. I have been happily knocking off a top female pop and tv star for a while now. We didn't think it was too bad and out of order because her good for nothing sporting husband has cheated on her too on many occasions over the last couple of years. Now she has texted me and said she is leaving him and they are getting divorced. This has left me in a right old quandry as you can imagine because it might mean that she is going to get all heavy with me and want a proper relationship and i would never be able to get rid of the bunny boiler. How should i end it with her ? I mean, it was ok for a bit of a laugh and she's dead sexy but i want to play the field for another 30 years before i get shacked up with a nag machine. Please help me mate.................quickly Thanks Airwalker
    Posted by AIRWALKER

    Dear AIRWALKER

    I know how tricky this can be when someones famous and everyone wants them, but if your really have to let her down you have to let her down gently, the usual "its me not you" works best or "i just value you as a friend to much" last resort "i love you like a brother".

    I for one will be feeling sorry for this lady but i'm sure Susan Boyle will soon find another man and get over you easy, so don't panic friend

    GL with it and hope the advice helps

    Pu

     

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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu) : Dear Elsa Sorry about the length of time it took for me to reply but i had to phone Graham on this one  (Jeremy Kyle "Genius")  We both a agree your friends been through a lot and first thing he has to do is never wear socks to bed (slippery hardwood) I wouldn't worry too much about the holiday brochures all women look through them, but i'm very concerned about the cheese, What cheese is this cheese? Is a strong cheese? and is she melting this cheese on the toast?  or slicing it in thin slices? Is she putting the other bit of toast on top of the cheese resulting in a toast like  sandwich?. Graham and myself believe cheese is to blame for half the problems this Country has. Its probably best to accept the cheese gift but somehow ditch it (don't give it to the dog) Last resort is tie yourself ....i mean your friends legs together so if he sleep walks he can only slither slowly across the floor resulting in less chance of serious injury Hope you can help him GL Pu
    Posted by HuFlungPu
    Thanks for the reply and what a big help it is.

    The cheese, which I agree is the important bit of the puzzle, is melted camembert with sliced tomatoes on top and a sprinkle of Worcester sauce. I'm relieved at your advice 'cos I love cheesy suppers. As for tying my feet together, it's a great idea. I can use the pink fluffy handcuffs that a friend of my wife's left behind.

    Many thanks Hu, I really think all my worries are behind me now.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    No Problem Elsadog, i'm just glad its not Seriously Strong Cheddar (its Evil)

    Good luck to you and be careful with them fluffy handcuffs (just cause they pink and fluffy don't mean you cant lose the key)

    All the best

    Pu
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  • Mr_MiyagiMr_Miyagi
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu):
    In Response to Re: Dear Diedre (Pu) : Thanks for the reply and what a big help it is. The cheese, which I agree is the important bit of the puzzle, is melted camembert with sliced tomatoes on top and a sprinkle of Worcester sauce. I'm relieved at your advice 'cos I love cheesy suppers. As for tying my feet together, it's a great idea. I can use the pink fluffy handcuffs that a friend of my wife's left behind. Many thanks Hu, I really think all my worries are behind me now.
    Posted by elsadog
    I thought it was your friend who had the problem?
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  • Quagmire72Quagmire72
    edited February 2010
    Soz about the late reply to your most helpful response, there have been a few developments. My brother is better looking than me so to overcome this obstacle i said to him he could do with a facelift to sort those wrinkles out. This made him paranoid because he is vain but i said don't worry about it, i'll pay for the facelift for your birthday.  He couldn't thank me enough. He really shouldn't have trusted me though. I slipped the surgeon £50 to give him a Mr Potato Head look. He hates me now but i don't care, i can tell my lady about him now. ;-)
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