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The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I`d rather have a puppy."
The first golfer replied "It was the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years"
Had to chuck a cards related one here.
Why didn't the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was sitting on the deck.
The worlds leading expert on wasps walks past a charity record shop window. To his amazement he sees a 78 vinyl album almost as old as Tikay entitled "100 wasp calls"
He walks into the shop introduces himself and explains that he has spent 40 years researching the 750,000 living species of wasps then asks if he could listen to a few tracks.
The assistant agrees sends him to a booth then plays the first track.
Buzzzz Buzzzz Buzz Buzz Buzzz
The expert comes out of the booth looking bemused. He explains that he is familiar with all wasp calls but didn't recognise this one then asks for another track.
Buzzzie Buzz Buzzz Buzzzzie Buzzzz buzzz Echoes around the booth and the expert comes out of the booth distraught! incredible he says I've never heard that one either can we try another?
He returns to the booth to hear
Buzzz Bizzzz Buzzzzzeez Bizzzzzz Buzzzz
now almost suicidal cursing the wasted years it appeared he'd spent on research and asked for one final track.
back in the booth hears
Bzzzzzzz Bizzzzzz Bzzzzzz Bizzeeee Bzzzzzzz only to be interrupted by a red faced assistant bursting into the booth with humble apologies!
He'd put the "B" side on by mistake!
The jokes not that funny but to be honest watching James do bee impressions on the show would be priceless lol!
Hi Guys am enjoying the Show
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from B&Q.
I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."
Went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.
Finally a classic from Tommy Cooper
I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."
What is the difference between an orthopaedic surgeon and a rhino?
one is small brained, thick skined and charges alot. The other one is a rhino
You can get a drink out of a coconut!
The wife just told me that the characature of richard orfford (just shown) looks like ronald macdonal withouth the makup!!!
hi guys
joke 4 ya
ian fraizer is driving home after winning his golf tourney and realises he needs petrol.after filling up his mercedes he goes to pay.the cashier looks at him puzzled and asks him whats in his pocket.ian pulls out his golf tee and says it's for puttin my balls on the cashier looks at him and says blimey those blokes at mercedes think of everything.
great show as always
because his got little legs
mat in luton
aka matty007
what do you call a man with a shoval on his head? Doug!
whithout a shoval? Dougless!
I just got a bad beat so I hope you like this :-(
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Scottishman, Englishman and an Irishman on a building site working away.
It comes to their lunch break. So the Scottish opens up his lunch an see's he had pieces and cheese:
"I HATE cheese! Thats it, if I get cheese again tommorow I'm jumping off this building site!"
The Englishman opens up his lunchbox:
"Cheese for me too! I will jump with you if I get cheese too!!!!"
The Irishman opens up his lunchbox:
*sigh* - "I have cheese too, the wife knows I don't like cheese in my pieces. I'm jumping off with yous if it's cheese again tomorrow"
The next day comes and it's their lunch break.
Scottishman opens up his lunchbox:
"Cheese again, that's it im jumping"... So he dies
Englishman opens up his lunchbox:
"I've got cheese too" ... So he jumps off to his death
Lastly, the Irishman opens up his lunchbox and looks down at his cheese sandwiches and jumps also.
A few days later it comes to their funerals.
The 3 wifes are outside after the funeral discussing why the jumped off:
Scottishmans wife:
"I don't understand, if he didn't want cheese he should just have told me!"
Englishmans wife:
"I wouldn't have gave my husband cheese if I knew he didn't like it"
Irishmans wife:
"YOU'S TWO DONT UNDERSTAND?!?!?! MY HUSBAND MAKES HIS OWN SANDWICHES!"
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They s..w themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
`I`m gonna go back to that field of carrots,` says one.
`I`m gonna go back to those cute little rabbits,` says the second.
`I`m going back to the lab,` says the third. `I`m dying for a cigarette.`Jesus walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...`Can you put me up for the night?`
A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.
She yells, `Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?`
The doctor asks, `Well, how long does the hair grow?`
The lady replies, `From here to my p...s, but that`s a different story!`there are 5 emo's in a room which one is the most upset?
The one that has not got a corner to cry in
Wow, what site are they downloading them off? It's free for me...
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.