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Sunday's live show on channel 865 - with James & Ian ***OFFICIAL THREAD***

13

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  • macp1macp1
    edited July 2011
    BLOKE AT THE PUB DRINKIN BARTENDER CALLS TIME GUY GETS UP TO LEAVE FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE TRYS TO GET UP CANT SO HE DRAGS HIMSELF HOME TRYS TO GET IN TO BED FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE SO HE GO TO SLEEP HISS WIFE GET UP IN THE MORNING SAY U BIN DRINKIN BLOKE SAY NO WIFE SAY SO Y DID U LEAVE YA WHEELCHAIR AT PUB
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  • thetodd62thetodd62
    edited July 2011
    Two muffins in an oven. One muffin says "Blimey it is hot in here isn't it?"
    the other muffin says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"
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  • aussie09aussie09
    edited July 2011


    james..music...can hear cat strangling


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  • SheWoreSheWore
    edited July 2011
    this is awful..



    A blonde walked into a bar
    OUCHH!!!

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  • wrk139wrk139
    edited July 2011
    A few jokes might make tv. Most probably wont! ;)

    - I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

    - The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

    - I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

    - Why don't blondes use vibrators? Cause they would chip their teeth

    - Whats pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife

    - Man walks into a psychiatrists wearing only cling film as underwear. Psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"

    - Jelly Baby walks into the doctors and says "Doctor, doctor, I think I've got an STD. Doctor says, "dont be stupid, your a jelly baby". Jelly baby says "I know but Ive been sleeping with All Sorts"

    - Mickey and Minnie are in court as Mickey wants a divorce. Mickey's Lawyer turns to him and says "Look Mickey, you cant divorce Minnie just because shes got protruding teeth, its just not grounds for a divorce. Mickey says "I didnt say she had protruding teeth. I said she was f**k*g Goofy!"



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  • kidgirlgykidgirlgy
    edited July 2011
    Evening Gents,

              As your easy to please:

      What do you call a poker player with a seagull on his head?

        Cliff!!

    Love Sue
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  • c_a_f_c10c_a_f_c10
    edited July 2011
    great show tonight and really tough crowd............

    hope this works, footy joke

    neighbours of cesc fabragas reported a fire from his house.
    the police suspected arsene
    but he had a alibi.




    please air it quality.




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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited July 2011
    Baby Polar bear asks his mum. Am I a polar bear? Course you are! I'm a polar bear your dad's a polar bear so of course you are!
    Not satisfied the baby polar bear goes to his dad and asks dad am I a polar bear?
    His dad says don't be silly! I'm a polar bear your mums a polar bear course you're a polar bear!
    but why do you ask?
    baby replies cos i'm f f freezing!
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited July 2011
    The wife's been missing for a week now! i'm gutted!
    Mcdonalds don't serve breakfasts till 9 oclock!
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  • RAB642RAB642
    edited July 2011


    my wife said to me this morning your the laziest man i`ve ever known, pack your bags and get out!!!!

          i said " you pack them"!!!!!!!!!!


                                      RAB  :0)))
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  • acebarry10acebarry10
    edited July 2011
    Hi again James, Ian

    I probs wont be up when the draw is done, could it be posted on this thread please?

    Many thanks :)
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  • Prop60Prop60
    edited July 2011
    In Response to Sunday's live show on channel 865 - with James & Ian ***OFFICIAL THREAD***:

    A man comes home from work early to find his wife in bed with his best friend. In a jealous rage he shoots his friend dead.

    His wife says " Keep that up and pretty soon you'll have no mates left".


    What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

    The taste!
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  • Donatello1Donatello1
    edited July 2011
    I walked passed the local electrical shop yesterday and saw a fantastic bargin.
    A 43 inch plasma screen tv for 25 quid.
    Only problem was the volume was stuck on high
    Well.................I couldn't turn it down!!
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  • thetodd62thetodd62
    edited July 2011
    I wonder if this is one of those that you just had to be there to find this funny but here we go..

    I was playing in a pub leugue holdem tourny and a player moves all in against me on the river and knocks all his chips over. I ask him what he has? (meaning his chip stack) and he announces he has a full house. seeing I had the nut full house Inster call and win the lot. every one at the table was laughing so it has to be funny? right? :)
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  • RAB642RAB642
    edited July 2011

    the wife came out of the bathroom after her shower stark naked and walked into the bedroom, she said "babe shut the curtains i dont want the neighbours to see me naked"


    "dont worry" i replied "if the neighbours see you they`ll shut their own curtains"

                                            RAB  :0))))
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  • RAB642RAB642
    edited July 2011

    I couldn`t find that thing that peels the carrots and potatoes, so i asked the kids if they`d seen it.

      apparently she left me yesterday.

             RAB :0)))
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  • thetodd62thetodd62
    edited July 2011
    What do you call a dead deer with one eye?
    Still no idea.
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  • PKRParPKRPar
    edited July 2011
    Joke 1: A man walked into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He tells the barman, "one pint please, and 1 for the road..."

    Joke 2: A man walks into a bar........Ouch!
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  • c_a_f_c10c_a_f_c10
    edited July 2011
    last one ive got please air ian and james

    doctor doctor
    i feel like a pair of curtains
    pull yourself together
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  • debdobs_67debdobs_67
    edited July 2011
    My friend told me the other day that his wife went out to get some milk and never came back

    I said how are you coping

    He said its ok ive still got some of the powdered stuff ;)
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  • ErmintrudeErmintrude
    edited July 2011

    Man walks into a bar.

    Ouch!

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  • c_a_f_c10c_a_f_c10
    edited July 2011
    last one ive got please air ian and james
    doctor doctori feel like a pair of curtainspull yourself together
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  • Donatello1Donatello1
    edited July 2011
    In Response to Re: Sunday's live show on channel 865 - with James & Ian ***OFFICIAL THREAD***:
    I walked passed the local electrical shop yesterday and saw a fantastic bargin. A 43 inch plasma screen tv for 25 quid. Only problem was the volume was stuck on high Well.................I couldn't turn it down!!
    Posted by Donatello1

    Pioneer PDP 436RXE - 43" plasma TV - widescreen - 720p

    PWNED JAMES lol
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  • ErmintrudeErmintrude
    edited July 2011
    In Response to Re: Sunday's live show on channel 865 - with James & Ian ***OFFICIAL THREAD***:
    Man walks into a bar. Ouch!
    Posted by Ermintrude
    DAMN IT! Was beaten to it
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  • AcidMan27AcidMan27
    edited July 2011
    Bit of useless info for you, that monkey joke was voted the funniest joke of all time a while back.


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  • aussie09aussie09
    edited July 2011


    999 CALL

    "help, i think my husband is dead"

    "how do you know?"

    "he's not breathing"

    "are you sure, can you go and make sure?"

    FOOTSTEPS OFF

    GUNSHOT

    FOOTSTEPS BACK

    "Yes, he is now"



    (spike milligan)


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  • wrk139wrk139
    edited July 2011
    Monkey joke was top UK joke

    Officially best global joke ever based on Spike Milligan sketch

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, 'BANG'.  "OK, now what?" 


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  • c_a_f_c10c_a_f_c10
    edited July 2011
    fix i say 

    only joking good joke
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  • bigflop1bigflop1
    edited July 2011
    hi james!!! enjoyed the show last night.. ian cracks me up..... who won the entry for sat nights game?? think i fell asleep b4 end of show!! also who won the roller and the tsp places?? thought id find it here somewhere but cant sorry
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  • J-HartiganJ-Hartigan
    edited July 2011
    In Response to Re: Sunday's live show on channel 865 - with James & Ian ***OFFICIAL THREAD***:
    hi james!!! enjoyed the show last night.. ian cracks me up..... who won the entry for sat nights game?? think i fell asleep b4 end of show!! also who won the roller and the tsp places?? thought id find it here somewhere but cant sorry
    Posted by bigflop1
    Thanks, bigflop!

    Dan Brown won the Sunday Roller.

    An e-mailer called Michael (who didn't provide his Sky Poker alias) won the on-air competition.

    The six new members of TSP are:

    corn_rat22
    sam1986
    aussie09
    keysersoze6
    EBBERDON
    121285

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