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Sunday's live show on channel 865 - with James & Ian ***OFFICIAL THREAD***
Hello folks,
Join us at 9pm for four hours of action from the No Limit Hold'em tournament tables. A busy show tonight:
Our primary focus is Sky Poker's weekly biggie - the £8,000 Guaranteed Sunday Roller. But we'll also feature some hands from Primo and keep tabs on the TSP Play Off. Plus, we'll have updates from Las Vegas, as Sky Poker Pro Julian Thew plays Day 1d of the WSOP Main Event.
And - as if all that wasn't enough - we'll be playing a new game called...
"CHUCKLES OR KNUCKLES"
Are you the life and soul of every party you attend? Fancy yourself as a comedian? Ever considered a career in light entertainment? Well, this evening, 'The Raiser' will decide if you deserve hearty chuckles or a knuckle sandwich!
Send your (clean) jokes and (relatively succinct) funny stories to skyopen@bskyb.com - or post them in this forum thread. If you succeed in putting a smile on Ian's face (not easy!), you'll go into the draw to win FREE entry to next Saturday's Open.
Join us at 9pm for four hours of action from the No Limit Hold'em tournament tables. A busy show tonight:
Our primary focus is Sky Poker's weekly biggie - the £8,000 Guaranteed Sunday Roller. But we'll also feature some hands from Primo and keep tabs on the TSP Play Off. Plus, we'll have updates from Las Vegas, as Sky Poker Pro Julian Thew plays Day 1d of the WSOP Main Event.
And - as if all that wasn't enough - we'll be playing a new game called...
"CHUCKLES OR KNUCKLES"
Are you the life and soul of every party you attend? Fancy yourself as a comedian? Ever considered a career in light entertainment? Well, this evening, 'The Raiser' will decide if you deserve hearty chuckles or a knuckle sandwich!
Send your (clean) jokes and (relatively succinct) funny stories to skyopen@bskyb.com - or post them in this forum thread. If you succeed in putting a smile on Ian's face (not easy!), you'll go into the draw to win FREE entry to next Saturday's Open.
Comments
I was in Paris and went into a Patisserie and asked for some, "Gattocks".
The assistant replied, "Non Monsieur, they are Gateaux."
"Not Gattocks?" I persisted.
"Non, Gateaux! G-A-T-E-A-U-X, gateaux."
"OK, I will have some. How much is one piece of Gateau?"
"20 Euros, Monsieur"
"What! B-O-L-L-E-A-U, bolleau" I said.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (Editor's note: The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"
Picture of Tikay doing 5 minutes worth of work, now thats the best joke EVER:)
hi james/ian
have a top show
ok 2 jokes
how do you tell if a blondes been using your computer?
answer theres tippex all over the screen.
3 people playing poker a dumb blonde an intelligent blonde and father christmas who wins?
answer the dumb blonde as the other 2 dont exist
ok not bad but made me laugh
Ive only been playing poker on sky for about 6 weeks or so and only play for recreation on here at the mo but before playing here i was a reg at the cash tables on another famous site for over 6 years and during that time became friends with alot of the players on there.
There was this one guy who started playing on that site around about the same time i did and during that time even though mine and everyone elses games started to improve his game just seemed to always stay the same and i would see him day in/day out being stacked at cash tables most of the time because he could never fold top pair/ topkicker etc.
He was a very friendly guy who always used to joke in the chat box and i couldnt help feeling sorry for him always seeing him losing.
Anyways on one certain day he was at one of my $500nl cash tables and to my suprise even though his stack wasnt increasing it also wasnt going down.
After about 30mins of seeing him not losing i typed in the chat box "hey mate you seem to be playing very well today, have you been reading poker books ?"
To which he replied " no not poker books, bank statements
Always makes me smile when i think of it
This old guy calls his neighbour and says"please come round, I got a jigsaw, I don't even know where to start", he asks, "What is it supposed to be"?, "well", it does have a picture of a rooster on the box", the neighbour decides to go and have a look, and se if he can help. He gets let in, and is shown the puzzle which is spread all over the table, he studies the pieces for a while, look at the box, then says, "Firstly, no matter what we do, we can't assemble the puzzle to look anything like a rooster" and secondly, "lets sit down, have a cup of tea, and a rest, we can then put all the cornflakes back in the box".
A guy goes into a book shop and says to the girl behind the counter, do you have a book on small winkles you get the gist, the young lady replies I don't think its in yet and he replies yes that's the one.
Bet she didn't see that one coming...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Just had a curried pelican at the local Indian. Not bad , but the bill was enormous!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That is all - apologies. Dan
P.S. Good luck to my big bro' in the roller tonight; take it down SMOKINJOE
One man turns to the other and says: "Morning."
The other man replies: "No, just walking the dog."
I was out for a drink with Richard Orford one day and on leaving the bar someone had left the cellar doors open and we both fell down about 20ft onto hard concreate.
The next thing i knew i was opening my eyes to see old nick himself (the devil) straight infront of me !
I said "omg i must have died during the fall" to which he replied "yes Jenny you did and now your mine muhahaha"
Anyways, after about a week or so of stoking boilers and working non stop
i said please mr devil is there any way for me to get out of here because its far to hard for me here and i dont feel like its my time yet ?
He said yes, there is one way out if you want to try.
He said if you walk to the end of this corridor and go into the room at the bottom, there is a man in there and all you have to do is make love to him then i will let you out of here.
I said ok i will do it because anything has got to be better than the way it was and so off i went down the corridor to do what had to be done.
When i got there i was faced by the most horrid sight i had ever seen, this man had to be the most gruesome looking and foul smelling guy in history and there was just no way i could bring myself to make love to that so off i went back to the boilers and all the hard grind i had had all the previous week.
Another 2 weeks or so went past and i eventually said to old nick "ok i will do it, anything to get me out of here" and off i went down the corridor for one final time to do the dastardly deed.
After it was all over the devil said "ok Jenny you can go back home now you are free again" and i started to walk out.
Just before i got to the door i said "hey mr devil" ive been here about a month now and in all that time ive never seen Richard Orford can you tell me what happened to him ?
The devil said "yes Jenny" he is just in that room there across the way if you want to pop in and see him before you go.
I opened the door of the room and was astounded to see Richard making love to the most gorgeous woman i had even seen.
I said Hey mr devil ! " how come i had to make love to the ugliest guy to ever walk the earth and yet Orford gets to make love to one of the most beautiful women ive ever seen.
He said well Jenny thats an easy one to answer, "your not the only woman trying to get out of here you know
with his hair in a mess, his shirt on back to front, odd socks, his trousers creased and unzipped,
The waiter arrives and says what can I get you?
Carlo replies fried bread,eggs, bacon, sausages, h ash browns, tomatoes, juice and coffee
As he finishes his words, the lady he met at the tables the night before arrives.
She looks sensational, perfectly groomed, mascara, lipstick and eye shadow immaculate
blouse,skirt, stockings and stillettos a vision!
The waiter turns to Carlo and says "what about your partner?" to which Carlo replies "lettuce leaves"
The waiter responds with "That,s an unusual request for breakfast sir. Is there a reason?
Carlo replies "of course! I want to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!"
Probably a tad risque for the show but Ian might find it funny
Great Show
Dunmidosh
"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to shoot through the sun roof." (Bet Mandy wont let this one through:))
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
Thanks to http://www.businessballs.com/insuranceclaims.htm
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
There is a very watchable hand early on in the tsp final. Yours truly flopped quad aces would be nice to see it on the big screen!
A Primary School class are being taught about morals. Teacher asks the class to tell a story about their experiences and end the story with a relevant moral.
Anna puts her hand up and says "Every morning I get up at six I go to the stables muck out my pony give it fresh hay and polos then after school I go back to the stables take my pony for a ride give it more hay and polos then it always puts its head on my shoulder and blows hot air onto my neck as though giving me a kiiss and a cuddle before I leave. and the moral is if you give love and affection you'll get love and affection back!
Thats a beautiful story. says the teacher who then asks little Ian to tell his story.
"My Grandad was a soldier in the second world war as he was about to land on the beaches in Normandy he took a large swig of whisky. The tailgate of his landing craft came down he ran onto the beach and shot ten germans with his rifle till it jammed. he stabbed two more germans with his bayonet, picked up an enemy machine gun shot twenty more germans then took out a gun emplacement with a grenade"
Thats a wonderful story your Grandad was a very brave man said the teacher but what was the moral.
Sorry miss I thought it was obvious replied little Ian.
"DON'T MESS WITH GRANDAD WHEN HE'S PI SSED!
got a long drawn out, sick joke for you......my ex-marriage.
have fun.
laurie/lozgo
This goes on for the rest of the week.
On Thursday the Englishman says "If I've got ham samdwiches again tomorrow, I'm gonna throw myself off a bridge!" The Scotsman says"I'm with you pal! If I've haggis again, I'll jump with you!" The Irishman, notto be outdone, says "I'll jump with ya too! I hate cheese!"
The next day the Englishman opens his lunchbox and shouts "oh no! Ham again! Right I'm jumping!" and he runs towards the bridge. The Scotsman open his lunchbox and shouts "Hold on mate! I've got haggis again! I'm jumping too!" and runs after the Englishman. The Irishman runs after both off them shouting "I hate cheese! I'm with you guys!"
A few weeks later all 3 wives are talking at a memorial to the 3 men. The englishman's wife sobs "I should never had made him ham sandwiches, he would still be here today " The scotsman's wife sobs "I know what you mean, I'll never eat haggis again!" The irishman's wife looks up and says "I dunno why he jumped. He always made his own lunch!"
I watched the Uncut version of Scarface today and wondered if you have seen it? Its called 'Face'
The only CLEAN joke I can come up with is----- TKAY, (and thats providing he's had a bath this month)
cheers gus
jeff
man says to his wife.. grab your coat love im off down the pub, to which she jumps up and says great am i coming with you??? no replies the man, im turning the heating off!!
A man is sat in an A&E with a steering wheel stuck in his underpants.
A nurse walks by and says " That looks painfull?"
The man says " It's driving me nuts!"
great show