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Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
Because he had low 'elf' esteem.
boom boom
What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
Why does Santa wear pink underwear?
He's a man, He did all his washing in one load.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustraphobic.
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.
What's big, grey and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant.
SANTA WALKING BACKWARDS!
SANTA ROLLING DOWN A HILL!!
BECAUSE IT SOOTS HIM!!
SOME NEW CLAUS!
THE NATIONAL ELF SERVICE!!!
SANTA JAWS!!
ELFVIS!!
CRISP CRINGLE!!!
ICEBURGERS WITH CHILLI SAUCE!!
FROST BITE!!
SNOW
because of elf and saftey
How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
8!!! 1 to sc rew in the bulb 7 to rudolph down!!!
The "elf"-abet!
This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "I will grant you three wishes on the understanding that you will do me a favor."
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful! Thank you, thank you!"
Father Christmas grants him the three wishes :
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexy underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"
Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"Thirty six," replies the man.
"You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the jolly, fat sicko
right, on Friday Santa is going to take a look at this thread and award the best joke a seat in his sack tournament.
so be quick 2 more days to get your jokes in!!
hurry hurry
thank you!
x
Ahh i'm keeping them up there, I think they're rather funny myself and i'm sure some will appreciate them :P
stop being a grinch lol
I wouldn't mind but there's always a hole in one!
Claus-trophobia!
It's his Iced Lolly!
I'll get me coat....
Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all- now you're all gonna DIE!"
The night Santa when crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts
There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin' and everyone's dyin'
to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy
Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
With er lawyer negotiating the movie rights
They're talking' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of getting' gypped
Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something must have snapped... in his brain
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead