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Your Christmas Jokes please!!

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  • webby234webby234
    edited December 2009

    Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

    In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

    The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

    Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

    "What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

    The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
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  • Sky_RudolfSky_Rudolf
    edited December 2009
    In Response to Re: Your Christmas Jokes please!!:
    Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye, "Merry Christmas to all- now you're all gonna DIE!" The night Santa when crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been getting' a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!" The night Santa went crazy The night Kris Kringle went nuts Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole Without steppin' in reindeer guts There's the National Guard and the F.B.I. There's a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin' and everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why? My my my my my my You used to be such a jolly guy Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time In a federal prison for his infamous crime Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night With er lawyer negotiating the movie rights They're talking' bout - the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nicholas flipped Broke his back for some milk and cookies Sounds to me like he was tired of getting' gypped Wo, the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain Tell ya, something must have snapped... in his brain
    Posted by webby234

    oooo er. i don't like this one.

    - 1 point
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  • Sky_RudolfSky_Rudolf
    edited December 2009
    In Response to Re: Your Christmas Jokes please!!:
    I guess I'll be getting Golf Socks from the kids again this this Christmas. I wouldn't mind but there's always a hole in one!
    Posted by Rattious

    much more like it.

    + 1 point
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  • webby234webby234
    edited December 2009
    hey rudolph! stop deducting my points from my...............hey what are you deducting my pionts from?

    is this better???


    what does rudolph want for christmas?????



    a pony sleigh-station
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  • webby234webby234
    edited December 2009
    Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

    Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

    Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

    And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........
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  • RattiousRattious
    edited December 2009
    In Response to Re: Your Christmas Jokes please!!:
    hey rudolph! stop deducting my points from my...............hey what are you deducting my pionts from? is this better??? what does rudolph want for christmas????? a pony sleigh-station
    Posted by webby234
    Where Santa is satisfied having a Wiii ;-)
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  • MachkaMachka
    edited December 2009
    How do you describe a rich elf?

    Welfy
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  • RICHORFORDRICHORFORD
    edited December 2009
    What sort of mobile phone tariff is Father Christmas on?




    Pay As You Ho, Ho, Ho...
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  • ness4ness4
    edited December 2009

    A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

    "Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

    Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

    "Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

    "Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out pf Christmas in a way."

    "Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"

    The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

    "Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"
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  • RattiousRattious
    edited December 2009
    In Response to Re: Your Christmas Jokes please!!:
    What sort of mobile phone tariff is Father Christmas on? Pay As You Ho, Ho, Ho...
    Posted by RICHORFORD
    What did Santa say after climbing down a chimney and finding himself in a house of ill repute, confronted by 3 ladies?

    "Ho, Ho, Ho" of course!
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  • Sky_ElfSky_Elf
    edited December 2009
    well done goes out to Penny_less who wins a seat in Santa's tournament with....

    "We had Grandma for Christmas Dinner last year......think we'll go back to having Turkey this year"

    great stuff.
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  • Penny_LessPenny_Less
    edited December 2009
    ooooooo tyvm!!
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited December 2009
    SANTA AND RUDOLPH GO TO THE BAR,, SANTA SAYS HI LADY WHATS UR NAME? SHE REPLIES MARY , WHY, RUDOLPH BUTS IN AND SAYS DO YOU KNOW WHO UR TALKING TOO, YES REPLIES MARY , AN ODD LOUSY DRESSED COUPLE JUST LIKE TK N RICH..BOOM BOOM
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  • silver8acksilver8ack
    edited December 2009
    i would hate to be santa

    he only gets to come once a year
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