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I want your Christmas Jokes! - Win a seat in Santa's Sack tournament
Yo Dudes!
Rudolph here. To be brutally honest I’m not a massive fan of Christmas. I have to pull ‘fat man’ around on a sleigh all night while he eats mince pies and I only get the odd measly carrot! Phhft.
What I am a fan of though, are Christmas Jokes!
Post your best ones on this thread and I’ll give the top 2 a seat in the special Santa sack tournament.
Only clean jokes will be accepted and you have until the 23rd of December to enter.
Good luck!
Comments
why did santa fire his assistant?
`coz she was a ho ho ho with a low elf esteem
whats the difference between santa and tiger woods?
santa stop at three ho`s
NEWCASTLE FANS (embarrased)
If 11 elves are working making toys and another elf comes and joins them, what is he called ?
TWELF
because he only comes once a year.
The little boy`s eyes lit up. Then Santa put his finger on the boy`s nose again and tapping out the letters, said: "I bet you want a b-i-k-e".
"How did you know that?" asked the boy.
"Because I`m Santa, and I know everything".
The little boy thought for a moment and said: "I bet you like g-i-r-l-s-?"
"Well, yes" said Santa. "How did you know that?"
The boy replied. "Because your finger smells like f-a-n-n-y.
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Answer: It was wound up already
The Englishman got out his lighter and lit it and said " Look ... candles"
"Very good" St Peter said and let him in.
The Scotsman went up and took his keys out of his pocket and shook them. "Jingle bells" he said. St Peter let him in.
The Irishman went up and pulled out a G string and lacy bra. St Peter said "What the hell have they to do with Christmas?"
The Irishman said "They're Carols"
elfvis!
The judge asked the defendant stood before him what he was charged with. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," was the reply. "That not illegal!. How early were you shopping?"
"Before the store was open"
So he can Ho Ho Ho the vegetable patch.
SNOWBALLS
You'd have though the National Elf Service would be able to help but due to budget cuts they are a bit short!
A Merry Christmas to ewe!
Paddy was driving home Drunk, Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree, then another and another. A police car pulls him over as he swerves all over the road. Paddy tells the cop all about the tree in the road. The cop says "for God Sake Paddy, Thats your air freshner"
Had to Change some words so its not rude
Rudeolf
Santa, " You know what, im getting seriously flopped off with all this, every year it`s the same old story, i get dressed up in this stupid red outfit, i do all the work & what do i get out of it ? Nothing, it`s the same flopping thing year after year ".
Elf, " Now you know how Cesc Fabregas feels ".
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving Emily.
Beloved Edward, Dec 26
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always, Emily.
My darling Edward, Dec 27
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted Emily.
Dearest Edward, Dec 28
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily.
Dearest Edward, Dec 29
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you, Emily.
Dear Edward, Dec 30
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily.
Edward, Dec 31
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily.
Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily.
Look here, Edward, Jan 2
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily.
Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily.
Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.
Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep Attorney at law.
Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his Mummy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"
Hello -Its a small world isn,t it
She gave him the cold shoulder
where do snowmen go to dance?
The snowball