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I want your Christmas Jokes! - Win a seat in Santa's Sack tournament

13

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  • cookie1111cookie1111
    edited December 2010
    n Response to I want your Christmas Jokes! - Win a seat in Santa's Sack tournament:
    Yo Dudes!   Rudolph here. To be brutally honest I’m not a massive fan of Christmas. I have to pull ‘fat man’ around on a sleigh all night while he eats mince pies and I only get the odd measly carrot! Phhft.   What I am a fan of though, are Christmas Jokes!   Post your best ones on this thread and I’ll give the top 2 a seat in the special Santa sack tournament.   Only clean jokes will be accepted and you have until the 23rd of December to enter.   Good luck!
    Posted by Sky_Rudolf
    Just bought 8 legs of venison for £80 do you think thats too deer!
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  • noviceplaynoviceplay
    edited December 2010

    What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?











    Frostbite.

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  • noviceplaynoviceplay
    edited December 2010
    What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?











    It's Christmas, Eve
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  • jimmyjazzejimmyjazze
    edited December 2010
    Q  What do you get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire

    A  Frost Bite

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
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  • jamie167jamie167
    edited December 2010

    christmas was always rubbish for me as a kid because i believed in santa clause.unfortunately, so did my parents, so i never got anything.                MERRY CHRISTMAS

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  • jimmyjazzejimmyjazze
    edited December 2010
    Early Christmas shopping

    I t was Christmas Eve at Crown Court and the Judge was in a seasonal good mood.

    "Now then, please tell me what is the charge against you?"

     "I was caught doing my Christmas shopping too early" replied the defendant.

    "That doesn't sound against the law. What do you mean by early?" asked the judge

    "Well your Honour" answered the man, "It was before the shop was open"


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  • thomas1969thomas1969
    edited December 2010
    asda just called someone is drunk smoking a cigar wearing a thong and riding a plastic reindeer teeky i will come get you this time but this stuff has to stop
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  • philthemilphilthemil
    edited December 2010
    i ask santa for a cd he gave me 10 i ask for a jacket he gave me 5 i ask for a muppet he gave me this email address.
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  • oynutteroynutter
    edited December 2010
    When is John Lennons birthday?
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  • MagicalmanMagicalman
    edited December 2010






    Capiche!!
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  • HartshorNHartshorN
    edited December 2010
    On christmas morning if you wake up with a bad taste in your mouth, remember santa only comes once a year.

    .... i'm sorry :P
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  • culross12culross12
    edited December 2010
    why is santas sack so big













    because he only comes once a year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  • silentbobsilentbob
    edited December 2010
    To the tune of Winter Wonderland

    Doorbell rings, I'm not list'ning,
    From my mouth, drool is glist'ning,
    I'm happy although,
    My boss let me go,
    Happily addicted to poker

    All night long, I sit clicking,
    Unaware time is ticking,
    There's beard on my cheek,
    Same clothes for a week,
    Happily addicted to poker

    Friends come by; They shake me, saying "Yo man!,
    Don't you know we're going to the pub?"

    With a listless shrug, I mutter "No man;
    I just discovered Sky poker.com!"

    I don't phone, don't send faxes,
    Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
    Who cares if someday, they drag me away?
    I'm happily addicted to poker

    I'm happily addicted to poker!
    Happ-ily Ad-dict-ted to poker!!!
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  • jimmyjazzejimmyjazze
    edited December 2010
    Q What do sheep say to each other on Christmas Day

    A Merry Christmas to ewe


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  • jimmyjazzejimmyjazze
    edited December 2010
    'Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can't tell me why he does that!' 'Oh, yes I can.' the elf said. 'Because two 'Eds are better than one, of course!'
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  • jimmyjazzejimmyjazze
    edited December 2010

    Q Did you hear about the stupid Turkey

    A He was looking forward to Christmas!

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  • ShellzShellz
    edited December 2010

    £14 for a full christmas dinner that feeds three, thats why mums go to iceland . £10 for an 18 year old bouncing on... you... all day , thats why dads go to thailand !!

    Thats the clean version :)
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  • ShellzShellz
    edited December 2010

    It was so cold this morning, i had to scrape the ice off my windscreen with my B&Q club card, i was out there for an hour, and still only got 10 per cent off.

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  • mh_2010mh_2010
    edited December 2010
    How does Santa take his photos?
    With his North Pole-aroid!
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  • docherty01docherty01
    edited December 2010

    Dont you just hate it? when your at a wedding and all the old grannies poke you and say "your next"  The best way to make them stop is to do the same to them but at funerals.

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  • billybootsbillyboots
    edited December 2010
    In Response to I want your Christmas Jokes! - Win a seat in Santa's Sack tournament:

     Round 1

    LML asks : 'Tikay,....what does yuletide greetings actually mean'.
     
    Tikay replies: 'Lisa...if you can lend me £200 you'll tide me over until the new year'  
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  • billybootsbillyboots
    edited December 2010
    In Response to Re: I want your Christmas Jokes! - Win a seat in Santa's Sack tournament:
    In Response to I want your Christmas Jokes! - Win a seat in Santa's Sack tournament :   Round 1 LML asks : 'Tikay,....what does yuletide greetings actually mean'.   Tikay replies: 'Lisa...if you can lend me £200 you'll tide me over until the new year'  
    Posted by billyboots
    Round 2

    Tikay.....'Lisa,.....what can I go and get my other half for Christmas'  

    Lisa.......'How about something nice in a frilly bra and french knickers'

    Tikay (sharp as ever)......'Ok, but can we sort out her present first.'
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  • billybootsbillyboots
    edited December 2010
    In Response to Re: I want your Christmas Jokes! - Win a seat in Santa's Sack tournament:
    In Response to Re: I want your Christmas Jokes! - Win a seat in Santa's Sack tournament : Round 2 Tikay.....'Lisa,.....what can I go and get my other half for Christmas'   Lisa.......'How about something nice in a frilly bra and french knickers' Tikay (sharp as ever)......'Ok, but can we sort out her present first.'
    Posted by billyboots
    and the final Round goes to Tikay again.

    LML......'Tikay.......what can I buy my new  boyfriend, I don't know what he really likes'

    Tikay.....'Well Lisa, does he really like you'.

    LML.......'Of course he does'

    Tikay.....'In that case.....simples....he'll like anything then'.   
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  • lisa21lisa21
    edited December 2010
    my mates wife asked him to go out shopping for something that made her look sexy.you should have seen her face when he came back with 12 cans
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  • lisa21lisa21
    edited December 2010
    10 things you can only get away with saying at christmas.1 tying the legs toegether keeps the inside moist.2 smother the butter all over the breasts!.3 if i dont undo my trousers ill burst.4 its a little dry do u still want 2 eat it.5 stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.6 do u think youll be able to handle all these people at once.7 i didnt expect everyone to come at the same time.8 you still have a bit on your chin.9 you know its ready when it pops up.10 im so full ive been gobbling nuts all morning. this is clean just depends on how dirty your mind is
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  • billybootsbillyboots
    edited December 2010
    In Response to Re: I want your Christmas Jokes! - Win a seat in Santa's Sack tournament:
    In Response to Re: I want your Christmas Jokes! - Win a seat in Santa's Sack tournament : and the final Round goes to Tikay again. LML......'Tikay.......what can I buy my new  boyfriend, I don't know what he really likes' Tikay.....'Well Lisa, does he really like you'. LML.......'Of course he does' Tikay.....'In that case.....simples....he'll like anything then'.   
    Posted by billyboots
    But the knock-out blow came after the bell when everyone had gone..........?

    Tikay's feeling guilty for being such a heel towards Lisa and decides to make it up by getting her a christmas prezzie, so he goes to a dept. store and heads straight  to the perfume counter and asks the assistant......

     'Excuse me I need a cheap bottle of those smelly thingies that you lot splash behind your lugoles and amongst other things please.'

    Assistant....'Most certainly Sir,  I have just the thing for you, would you like it wrapped up ?

    Tikay.......'You haven't said how much !'

    Assistant.....'£75 Sir,  v.good value'

    Tikay........'I said cheap did i not...what else have you got ?'

    Assistant........' Really nice one over here that's £55.'

    Tikay.........'Still too much....cheaper please'

    Assistant.......'Ok, that one over there at £20'.

    Tikay.........'No no no .....you must have something that's really cheap for crying out loud'

    With that, Lisa (who had been stalking him and had listened to everything that had gone ) appeared from behind him and angrily shoved a mirror in front of his face and cried out.....'Yes there is and that's as cheap as you'll ever likely to get !!!'


    Gents,...final word always goes to the ladies...we know our place.
      
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  • ShellzShellz
    edited December 2010
    Came home yesterday and found all my windows were smashed and that everything had gone...

    Blooming kids...now i have to buy another advent calender!  :)
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  • ShellzShellz
    edited December 2010
    Why do all the other reindeer have brown noses?

    Because they cant stop as quickly as Rudolph!
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  • mikey1972mikey1972
    edited December 2010
    Santa and Shakespear walked into the pub. The Landlord says.."Santa youre always welcome, but I have told you before, your friend is Bard"
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  • BADBOY985BADBOY985
    edited December 2010
    i went to ann summer to buy my wife something for xmas, saw a big red vi-brator that looked like it would fit.
    took it to the till the lass behind the till said "that not for sale sir" i asked her why? "because its our fire extinguisher".
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