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You have big sheds but nobody's allowed in

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  • Quagmire72Quagmire72
    edited February 2010
    ‘Sh!tty zombies!’
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  • Sky_RichSky_Rich
    edited February 2010
    King of Anglia!!
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  • Sky_RichSky_Rich
    edited February 2010
    Alan's rhetorical argument:

    ‘I just want to be able to say “I'm Alan Partridge. Join me tonight when my guests will be, I don't know, Chris Rea”. Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over. “Alright Chris!”, “Hello Alan I didn't know you'd moved in”, “Yeah, just moved in, last week. I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”, “I'd love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”, “I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kievs?”, “I love them! But my wife's vegetarian”, “Doesn't matter. She can have fish”, “No she won't eat that either”, “Oh forget it!. You people”
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  • NoseyBonkNoseyBonk
    edited February 2010
    O/T But I met Chris a few times and tried to get some of that quote in but failed lol
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  • Sky_RichSky_Rich
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: You have big sheds but nobody's allowed in:
    O/T But I met Chris a few times and tried to get some of that quote in but failed lol
    Posted by NoseyBonk

    wish i'd have heard that!
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    See .... (kiss kiss kiss kiss) She's not stopping me!
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  • Quagmire72Quagmire72
    edited February 2010
    ..and he flipped her over and he fu.....and fu....and funnily enough it landed on all four wheels and they drove away.
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  • Sky_RichSky_Rich
    edited February 2010
    In Response to Re: You have big sheds but nobody's allowed in:
    ..and he flipped her over and he fu.....and fu....and funnily enough it landed on all four wheels and they drove away.
    Posted by Quagmire72

    that's the strangest story i've ever heard?!.... oh right.... can i just check, the story didnn't actually end like that right?
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  • NoseyBonkNoseyBonk
    edited February 2010
    Rolled on the thighs of a virgin!
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  • NoseyBonkNoseyBonk
    edited February 2010
    I'm going nowhere, Lynne. Quite literally - I'm on the ring-road.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    Hi..... Can I have an Irish Coffee delivered to the room, please? No? Er.... right. Tea? Er, right... Can of Fanta? Minibar, right. No, I'll get it myself.

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  • Quagmire72Quagmire72
    edited February 2010
    Alan: [To Susan] Sue Cook's pulled out. Michael, change that to An Afternoon with just Alan Partridge. Michael: Oh, OK. Roger and out. Alan: Yeah, we're not on short wave radio. Actually, that is quite eye-catching. I suppose that's the opposite of what you were taught in the army. You know, camouflage. Michael: Aye. Well, I also done this course at the army school of commando training, and what we had to do was target identification, right? You had to go into this big building, right, full of people, and you had to identify the hostages and the terrorists, and take out the terrorists. I've sort of employed it here, like [indicates the writing on the noticeboard]. Alan: You know, I know exactly what you mean, because a couple of weeks ago I was doing a corporate for Allied Dunbar, and afterwards a bunch of us went down to Laser Quest. And in there it's very scary. Seconds count.
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  • NoseyBonkNoseyBonk
    edited February 2010
    Jill: You're a man
    Alan: Yes I am
    Jill: I'm a woman
    Alan: That's a relief... your mind plays tricks.
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  • Quagmire72Quagmire72
    edited February 2010
    [Alan now steps proudly into the room, a big smile on his face.] 

    Alan: I'm Batman!

     [Jill giggles. Alan leers at her and sighs deeply.] 

    Alan: Lion Bar?

     

    Jill: No. I prefer fingers!

     

    Alan:Uh! Chocolate ones?

     

    Jill: I don't mind, really!

     [Alan makes a long, drawn out leering groan. Jill giggles.] 

    Alan: Jill, you are so dirty! It's quite refreshing. You call a spade a spade. Actually you probably call it a big tool.

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  • Sky_RichSky_Rich
    edited February 2010
    Actually the best thing I did, was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot.
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  • Sky_RichSky_Rich
    edited February 2010
    Oh God, no, no. I’m old enough to be her father! Well her older brother. Either way it’s incest!
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  • Quagmire72Quagmire72
    edited February 2010

    Alan: It looks a little like death row, doesn't it? I'm sorry, Mr. Hawk. You're pardon has been turned down. You have been found guilty of pre-meditated homicide of a mouse, and you'll be hanged by the neck until dead. And don't try to hover up so that the rope goes slack. Because they could do that, couldn't they? If you tried to hang a hawk, they could always hover so the rope went slack. So, I suppose if you were going to execute a bird of prey the most human way would be death by firing squad.

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  • Quagmire72Quagmire72
    edited February 2010
    Jill: I love chocolate. 

    [Alan and Jill lean closer together, face to face]

     Alan: Yeah, so do I. Jill: Wispas. Alan: Aeros. Jill:Ripples. Alan: Flakes. Jill: Caramac. 

    [They both groan.]

     

    Alan: It's good this, isn't it? Even though we're basically just listing chocolate bars.

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  • NoseyBonkNoseyBonk
    edited February 2010
    Jill: That's great actually, I didn't know you could sing
    Alan: Yeah, I used to be in the choir at primary school, before it all dropped. In my pre-hair days.
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  • NoseyBonkNoseyBonk
    edited February 2010
    Alan: Jill will be sleeping with me tonight!
    Jill: I don't recall saying that!
    Alan: Oh come on.
    Jill: Yeah alright then.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2010
    If you think you can upstage Jill by wearing that snazzy cardigan your very much mistaken. Thanks very much for the gearknob, and good night.
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  • Quagmire72Quagmire72
    edited March 2010

    Alan:

    Hmm, something else for my bank manager to wear...but to get back to my original question, tell me about Treenaissance. I suppose it was a very w@cky-doo and everyone was all really trendy, presumably you, you, you went dressed as a banana, or something like that, or...

    Yvonne:

    No, I went wearing what I am wearing now, part of my tree collection

    Alan:

    You went wearing what you were wearing now? I hope you changed your underwear

    Yvonne:

    I don't wear underwear

    Alan:

    Of course you do

    Yvonne:

    No, I don't...

    Alan:

    You do, you're just trying to be w@cky

    Yvonne:

    I'm not being w@cky, I don't approve of underwear. I see it as a restriction of personal freedom and I've never worn it...

    Alan:

    Balderdash! Everyone wears underwear...

    Yvonne:

    ...not balder...don't...I'm not lying...don't call me a liar...

    Alan:

    ...you do..you do...you do...

    Yvonne:

    Right! I'll show you!

    Alan:

    Don't..no, don't do that...don't...oh my God!...oh my God!...oh God, I can't get it out of me head!...I just, I can still see it!...that's atrocious...ladies and gentlemen, she just showed me her woman's area! Thank goodness it's radio, I never thought I'd say that! I can't believe it, that was atrocious!

    Yvonne:

    If you go around calling people liars on your show then you've got to expect people to show their veracity

    Alan:

    You will not show your veracity on my show! I just want to say if anyone, if anyone's listening to this, I had no idea that they were going to be so candid and to make quite clear of my abhorrence, I will now tell them to leave, and in addition to that I will ask the audience to boo them. Thank you very much to Trudy Skye and Yvonne Boyd. Goodnight. {Audience boos} Boo them! Boo them! Go on, boo them! {Audience hisses}. That's right, and hiss them.

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  • Sky_RichSky_Rich
    edited March 2010
    In Response to Re: You have big sheds but nobody's allowed in:
    Alan: Hmm, something else for my bank manager to wear...but to get back to my original question, tell me about Treenaissance. I suppose it was a very w@cky-doo and everyone was all really trendy, presumably you, you, you went dressed as a banana, or something like that, or... Yvonne: No, I went wearing what I am wearing now, part of my tree collection Alan: You went wearing what you were wearing now? I hope you changed your underwear Yvonne: I don't wear underwear Alan: Of course you do Yvonne: No, I don't... Alan: You do, you're just trying to be w@cky Yvonne: I'm not being w@cky, I don't approve of underwear. I see it as a restriction of personal freedom and I've never worn it... Alan: Balderdash! Everyone wears underwear... Yvonne: ...not balder...don't...I'm not lying...don't call me a liar... Alan: ...you do..you do...you do... Yvonne: Right! I'll show you! Alan: Don't..no, don't do that...don't...oh my God!...oh my God!...oh God, I can't get it out of me head!...I just, I can still see it!...that's atrocious...ladies and gentlemen, she just showed me her woman's area! Thank goodness it's radio, I never thought I'd say that! I can't believe it, that was atrocious! Yvonne: If you go around calling people liars on your show then you've got to expect people to show their veracity Alan: You will not show your veracity on my show! I just want to say if anyone, if anyone's listening to this, I had no idea that they were going to be so candid and to make quite clear of my abhorrence, I will now tell them to leave, and in addition to that I will ask the audience to boo them. Thank you very much to Trudy Skye and Yvonne Boyd. Goodnight. {Audience boos} Boo them! Boo them! Go on, boo them! {Audience hisses} . That's right, and hiss them.
    Posted by Quagmire72
    where is this quote from Quagy?
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited March 2010
    Yeah spose i am a bit mad  ...  ahhhhhhhhhh






    Its ok its ok ........ im just portraying a mad person
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  • NoseyBonkNoseyBonk
    edited March 2010
    With respect, as an ex-police officer, if you hang around with criminals you're gonna get lied to!
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  • Quagmire72Quagmire72
    edited March 2010
    In Response to Re: You have big sheds but nobody's allowed in:
    In Response to Re: You have big sheds but nobody's allowed in : where is this quote from Quagy?
    Posted by Sky_Rich
    It's from one of the bbc radio 4 episodes from the early nineties, show 6.
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  • Sky_RichSky_Rich
    edited March 2010
    ahhh. i must check that out!
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  • Quagmire72Quagmire72
    edited March 2010
    Michael: So, what do you reckon? [He follows the words on the board with his finger] 3pm, An Afternoon With Alan Partridge, with Special Celebrity Guest Star Sue Cook. Alan: Yeah, can you just put plus Sue Cook? I suppose the good thing about this is you can't hear your Geordie accent on the board. You should turn this into a sandwich board, and you could press onto your chest what you're trying to say. 

    [Michael nods.]

     Alan: Sort of a primitive form of Stephen Hawkins voice box. I mean, the good thing about Stephen Hawkins is, he is clear.
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  • Sky_RichSky_Rich
    edited March 2010
    whoop - the return of one of my favourite threads!

    like a ugly stain on your favourite jeans...

    ..You'll never get rid!
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  • NoseyBonkNoseyBonk
    edited March 2010

    You're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle!

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