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Joke section.

unknown_usernameunknown_username
edited April 2017 in The Rail
Q. How do you know when a woman is going to say something smart?
A. It will start with "He said..."
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2014
    Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited March 2014
    A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet,” Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be £1000, please". "A £1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited March 2014
    A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited March 2014

    A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
    The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
    The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited March 2014
    Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he picked him up again and poured a little whisky down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
    An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pants leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth..
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited March 2014
    Mr. and Mrs. Thorne who are both in there 80s, had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's holiday in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.
    "I've left the tickets on it."
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited March 2014
    A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner asks, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.."
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited March 2014
    A doctor at a private clinic calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back.
    The patient replied: So did my arthritis!
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited April 2014
    Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
    Joe: I won it in a race. 
    Bill: How many people participated in it? 
    Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited April 2014
    After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
    the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three
    times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That Vicar said he
    wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you and mum
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited April 2014
    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are nice” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “nice.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
    Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”
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  • VespaPXVespaPX
    edited April 2014
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are nice” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “nice.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”
    Posted by tomo_efc
    Know that feeling ! :-)
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited April 2014
    How long have you been WORKING here?” one employee asked to another.
    “Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited May 2014
    Knock-Knock
    Who's there?
    Dwayne.
    Dwayne who?
    Dwayne the tub I'm dwowning!
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited May 2014
    Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. 
    One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each: 
    Port Left 
    Starboard Right
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  • paige55paige55
    edited May 2014
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.  One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:  Port Left  Starboard Right
    Posted by tomo_efc
    LOL XXX
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited May 2014
    Boss:... You should have been here at 9.30 a.m.
    Employee:.... Why what happened?
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  • kodittykoditty
    edited May 2014
    TO DO IS TO BE ..ARISTOTLE     TO BE IS TO DO ..SOCRATES. TO DO BE DO BE DO  FRANK SINATRA
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited May 2014

    It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. 
    The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down. 
    His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" 
    The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited May 2014

    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying 
    to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think 
    how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 
    "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'" 
    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the 
    teacher. She's dead."
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited May 2014
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

    Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

    Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

    Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

    Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited June 2014
    What's the good thing about having Altzeimer's?
    You get to meet new people every day!
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited June 2014
    A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM at-LARGE.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited June 2014
    A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well
    "Yes! Of course! My dad taught me...even more than 10"
    "Good. What comes after three?”
    "Four," answers the boy.
    "What comes after six?"
    "Seven."
    "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
    "A jack"
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited July 2014
    A mother was taking her children to sunday school and on the way asked " And why should you be quiet in church". Little Johny replied, because all the old people are asleep.
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  • robertodrobertod
    edited July 2014
    i went to a traditional norfolk wedding last week. everybody sat on the same side of the church...
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited July 2014
    A man goes into a chiropodist,throws his boyo onto the counter and says"can you take a look at this please?"
    Bemused,the receptionist says"sir,this is a chiropodist,and that is most definitely not a foot"
    With a smile,the man says,"my dear,I know its not a foot,but its a good 11 inches"
    I'm here all week! Lol
    Soz
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited July 2014
    Three rather deaf friends meet on the street; “Windy, isn’t it? Said one. “No, it’s Thursday,” said the second. “So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a bee
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited September 2014
    Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
    A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new CAR.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited September 2014
    THE TORIES NEW SICKNESS EMPLOYMENT POLICY...........

    Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers) 

    SICKNESS 
    We will no longer accept your doctors' NOTE as proof. 
    We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

    LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY 
    We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. you are hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

    PREGNANCY 
    In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labour, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay. 

    DEATH 
    This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death


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