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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
     Attractive teenage girl takes her Granny to the Doctors for tests.  On entering his Surgery he asks them. "What can I do for you Ladies"!    "We've come for an Examination."  said the Girl.   "Right he said to her,"  go behind that screen take off all your clothes and lay on the Couch.!   "Oh!" its not for me its for Granny"?  "OK"  then ask her to stick out her tounge and say, "AAAH"!  
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
       Eighty year old man goes to the Doctor and says, "I want to get married to a twenty year old woman,  "Will I have a problem"?  The Doctor asks him,   "Are you sexually active."!  "Yes, three times a night."   "Well, said the doctor.  you'll have to be careful that sort of exertion could be fatal to the heart ."!     "Ok, Doc"  thanks,  if she dies, she dies.
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
      The Vicar welcoming his congregation to Church,  ask's elderly man he recognised.  "You have been coming to this Church for at least sixty years and this is the first time you have brought your Daughter."!  "She's not my Daughter she's my wife, said the man.  "Gosh! sorry, said the Vicar."  very pleased to hear you have got Married"?  "How did you manage to get such a young bride."! he asked.!   "I told her I was ninety seven." ?                 
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited December 2015

    This guy was drinking at the bar counter. Every time he took a drink he would pull something from his pocket and look at it. Eventually the curiosity of the bartender got the better of him and he asked the guy what he is looking at. He replied: I’ve got a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she begins to look good I know I have had enough.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited December 2015

    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. 

    After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. 

    She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?' 

    'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. 

    The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' 

    The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them."
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
     Jamaican man on holiday in London picks up Irish Girl in a bar, they go home to her place and make love all night long.  In the morning she rolls over and whispers in his ear.  "Are you a Leprechaun"!   "A What" he asks.  " Are you a Leprechaun,"!  she said,  "No I'm from Jamaica", "Why do you ask." ?  "Well she said,"  "When I was a little girl back in Ireland my Mother always told me a twelve inch man was a Leprechaun."   
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited December 2015
    Went Christmas shopping in town with the wife chocker block and i ended up losing her. Anyway phone goes the wife where the fook are you........Well do you know the little jewellers, with the necklaces in the window that i said 1 day i will buy you.... YES she said............Well i'm in the pub over the road..
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
    A poll out of a hundred women said they would prefer a man with a sense of humour to a man with a big 
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
         "PERSONALITY"
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  • goldongoldon
    edited March 2016
    Christmas is a stressful time so a couple with Marriage problems decide to take Winter break on a Farm.  While there,  they argue all the time and the Farmer has to ask them to leave. "Your upsetting my other guests" he said.! While driving out of the Farm a startled Cow runs in front of their car and he hits it. "He tells his Wife"! stay in the car I'll go back and tell the Farmer.  He knocks on the Farmers door and the surprised Farmer seeing him says,
     " You can't come back unless you've stopped arguing."! "No we're not coming back .... I'm here because  "I think I've Killed the Cow." !
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
    After years of trying Woman finaly passes her Driving Test, husband offers to buy her present.   "What would you like."  he asks her,!   "Just something cheap to run around in."  so he bought her pair Nike Trainers.!  
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited December 2015
    A lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. 

    “I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds. 

    When the lady returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. 

    “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” 

    The lady nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. 

    “No, from skipping,” replied the lady.
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
     Young Man, backing out of his driveway runs over his neighbours cat. He knock's on her door and say's,  " I'm very sorry but I've just ran over your cat and killed it."  "I would like to replace it."!  OK, " she said, are you any good at catching mice." ?      
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
      "Grandparents" buy their Grandson "Tommy" Pirates outfit for Christmas, he dresses up and charges around the house shouting.  " I'm "Blackbeard" and I rule the seas."!   Grandad asks him, "where are your Crew" ! gets no responce so he askd him again, "where are all your pirate's " ?  no responce!  so Grandad shouts, " WHERE are your BUCCANEERS"    "Tommy starts crying, and says!  "I'm telling Granny you swore at me."!!   
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited December 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
      "Grandparents" buy their Grandson "Tommy" Pirates outfit for Christmas, he dresses up and charges around the house shouting.  " I'm "Blackbeard" and I rule the seas."!   Grandad asks him, "where are your Crew" ! gets no responce so he askd him again, "where are all your pirate's " ?  no responce!  so Grandad shouts, " WHERE are your BUCCANEERS"    "Tommy starts crying, and says!  "I'm telling Granny you swore at me."!!   
    Posted by goldon
    His answer should've been "Under my buccanhat". :)
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
    I used to love  "SPACE INVADERS"  till squatters took over my house. ?
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
      Did you know that men spend the first nine months of their lives struggling to get out .......... and the rest of their lives trying to get back in. ?
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
    Got Home from New Years Eve Party with my Mates to find note from the wife on the fridge door saying, "It's not working, I can't take anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mothers."!   I opened the Fridge door the light came on, Beer was cold no Idea what she's talking about.? Fridge works fine.!
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  • VespaPXVespaPX
    edited January 2016
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    Got Home from New Years Eve Party with my Mates to find note from the wife on the fridge door saying, "It's not working, I can't take anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mothers."!   I opened the Fridge door the light came on, Beer was cold no Idea what she's talking about.? Fridge works fine.!
    Posted by goldon
    Like
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
      My Neighbour  shouted over the fence, " Did you hear me banging on the wall at 4 o'clock this morning" !
     "No!  but its OK", we were making lots of noise ourselves. ? 
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited January 2016

    A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. 

    On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a lad leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, 

    "How much money do you make a week?" 

    A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make around £400 a week, why? 

    The CEO said,"Wait right here." 

    He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." 

    Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, 

    "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" 

    From across the room a voice said, 

    "Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
      I know you lot think my jokes are naff  I'm irresponsible ... niave ... and gullible ..... but after sending £200 I have just been told I've  won the Nigerian Lottery.   
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited January 2016
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
      I know you lot think my jokes are naff  I'm irresponsible ... niave ... and gullible ..... but after sending £200 I have just been told I've  won the Nigerian Lottery.   
    Posted by goldon
    That's great news.....would you like to invest in a no risk, gold mine on the moon?.

    PS I can have the nice glossy forms out to you in no time.
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    In Response to Re: Joke section. : That's great news.....would you like to invest in a no risk, gold mine on the moon?. PS I can have the nice glossy forms out to you in no time.
    Posted by tomo_efc
      Funny you should mention the moon (gold mine) but think the better investment and the one I was more interested in.......... was the one in uranus.   Now thats a Gold Mine.!
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
      Update on my Lottery win;    They sent me Email today to confirm my win and when they recieve my £500 release fee they will transfer the One Million Rupies to be in my Bank Account.  They are really efficient to already have my bank details.  I'm so excited that I've been out booked a Holiday and ordered new car. What a Wonerful year this has started to be.  Bet your all jealous now.?
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited January 2016
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
      Update on my Lottery win;    They sent me Email today to confirm my win and when they recieve my £500 release fee they will transfer the One Million Rupies will be in my Bank Account.  They are really efficient to already have my bank details.  I'm so excited that I been out booked a Holiday and ordered new car. What a Wonerful year this has started to be.  Bet your all jealous now.?
    Posted by goldon
    Well i am for one,sounds to good to be true. Bit of advice, Don't be fooled by any begging letters, or people saying they will give you more money if you give them your bank details there are loads of scammers out there.
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
     "Mick" phones "Paddy" in Ireland and tells him, " get yourself over to England there's money to be made here  "The sreets are paved with Gold"   Paddy arrives and their walking down Oxford Street and Paddy spots £50 note on the Pavement.!  He walks right past it ?   "Mick, said to Paddy"  why did'nt you pick it up. Well, you're right about the streets being paved with gold........  as I only just got here,  " I'll start tomorrow," 
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
    Elderly Married couple lying in bed one evening when the husband starts to fondle her. She is very suprised as he had'nt done that in a long time.!  His hands are all over her and she gets quite aroused....... then he suddenly stops.?   She was by this time very excited, she said, " Darling that was wonderful why did you stop."! 
      "I found the remote." 
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  • Itsover4uItsover4u
    edited January 2016
    I took my nieces to the zoo over the holidays, but when we got there it only had one dog in...

    its a shitzu
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
     Policeman doing his rounds late at night comes across young lady standing in shop doorway with dress tucked up nic nic's round ankles ...... eating fish & chips.!   "Policeman, ask's her what the heck she thinks she's doing."  "Oh! she said,  has that Sailor gone."!
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