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Joke section.

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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
     Two Women talking in coffee bar,  One tells the other, "My Husband hates my Moaning all the time."!  "Oh Dear"! does he,?  well, while we're making love............. my Husband wants me to moan more.! 
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited January 2016

    A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. 

    He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”. 

    The mother agrees. 

    The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”. 

    She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”. 

    “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you Know?” 

    The mother replies, “I DON'T LIKE HER”. 
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
     Wife driving her Husband to work gets stopped for speeding.  Traffic Cop asks for her driving Licence. What did he say, she ask's.   "Husband say's, he wants your licence.  Officer ask's for her Insurance.  "What did he say."!   "Husband says , he wants your Insurance." !   "Officer tells Husband, stopped Woman last week looked just like your wife! blind as a bat, deaf as a post, and ugly as sin.!   "What did he say"! she asked.!   ........... "He thinks he know's you." ?
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
    "Judge",  told young offender."   "You were caught on CCTV stealing a Gold Watch." !  "What have you got to say for yourself."!   I never stole it "Your Honour"?   I won it in a Race.!   "What Race was that,  asked the Judge,"    "The one between,  me, the Owner, and the Police Officer.!
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
    See the "VOICE" is back.!    My Wife went for Audition to be on the Show. 
    They told her, you sing like a bird,!   she said, "Do you mean a Canary"   "No!  a Squawking Parrot."
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
     Hot on the heels of the " WIN a HOODIE" Competition. ( big thank you to those that won one and took a Hoodie off our streets)  next weeks Competition is to win a ........ "ASYLUM SEEKER"  there are plenty to go round so everyone will have a chance to win one. ?
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  • hhyftrftdrhhyftrftdr
    edited January 2016
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
     Hot on the heels of the " WIN a HOODIE" Competition. ( big thank you to those that won one and took a Hoodie off our streets)  next weeks Competition is to win a ........ "ASYLUM SEEKER"  there are plenty to go round so everyone will have a chance to win one. ?
    Posted by goldon
    You're an idiot.
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    In Response to Re: Joke section. : You're an idiot.
    Posted by hhyftrftdr
      Tell me something I don't know.   "Teacher"
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  • alex1229alex1229
    edited January 2016
    I went to a seafood disco last week... 

    and pulled a mussel.
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
    Went to the Dentist with tooth ache.   "He said, your wisdom teeth will have to come out."!   "I said, will that make me Stupid." ?     No , just broke."
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited January 2016

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. 

    The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed. 

    "Breastfed", she replied. 

    "Well, strip down to your waist", the doctor ordered. 

    She did. He pinched her ni pples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. 

    Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." 

    "I know", she said, "I am his Grandma."
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
     Paddy tells Mick .... There are eight deadly sins.?   "Mick said, no Paddy there are only seven deadly sins."!  "No, there are definitely eight,  said Paddy."!    "Well said Mick, what's the eighth deadly sin then"!   I told the Wife I'd tried the other seven."!!
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
     Little  Tommy ask's his Grandfather to make a sound like a frog.!   "Why would you want me to make a sound like a frog Tommy."  asks Granddad.?    "Well,  Mum say's,  when you croak  we can go to Disney World."
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
         Husband asks the Wife,  would you get married again if I die.!  "No, I would live with my Sister, she said."  She asked him the same question,    " I would probably live with your Sister too."!
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  • millwise11millwise11
    edited January 2016
    What's brown and runs around your garden





    A fence 
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
    When I was single my Aunty would push me in the back at Weddings and say, " Your next"
    " She soon stopped when at family Funeral.   I nudged her and said,  Your next"
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
    Couple living in "Brighton" have early night when the phone rings the Husband answers it , wife hears him say " how should I know I'm not the weather man " and put the phone down.!  "She asks him who was that dear."  "Some bloke wanting to know if the Coast was clear."?   
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  • goldongoldon
    edited February 2016
    How clever is your Dad ?

     My Dad was a Zulu Warrior he taught me Shakespeare.!
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  • lisa1962lisa1962
    edited February 2016

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

     

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

    "Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. "

    With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

    "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

    "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

    "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

    And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops

    like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath....

    "Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

    "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

    "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees....


    Ees.....

     

    Ees....

     

    Ees....

     

    Ees....

     

    Ees..... a ham bush...."

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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2016

    I Changed all my passwords to 'incorrect." 

    Whenever I forget, it will tell me: "Your password is incorrect." 
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2016
    Got arrested on a plane and locked up for 8 hours, still can't get my head around why.
    Took my seat on the plane, then i see an old friend boarding and all i shouted was....... HI JACK.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2016
    A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" 

    The husband, typically unromantic, replied, 

    "I am in the toilet. Please advise."
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  • Sky_JPSky_JP
    edited February 2016
    Tried to catch some fog yesterday.

    I mist.
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  • goldongoldon
    edited March 2016
    "Paddy tells Mick " ..... "Women don't you just love em."!   "I last made love to my wife 1950 ...... "Mick said, blimey Paddy that's a long time ago."!

     "Not really, said Paddy its only 2215 now."?
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited March 2016

    SLEEP.......................i don't get it.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited March 2016

    I just bought a chess set from a pawn shop.
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  • waller02waller02
    edited March 2016
    Are any of you into your star signs???

    Telling you that you will soon meet the woman of your dreams etc. etc. blah blah blah

    Personally I think it's all a load of rubbish, but that's just me. Typical Pisces!
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  • goldongoldon
    edited March 2016
    As a Medical Student I was told men had 7 layers of skin ...... I could only find  4 skin.?
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  • goldongoldon
    edited March 2016
       "Royal College of Surgeons" phoned Paddy and asked him,  would he consider donating his Body & Organs to Medical Science.
      " He said, to be sure"  "He would be happy to give his body,  but didn't have any organs  .... only a piano."
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  • goldongoldon
    edited March 2016
    Paddy tells Mick he's so excited he's never been first at anything before and they need to celebrate.
    "Ok says Mick," what first are we celebrating.!   "Paddy said," I was first to be evicted from the big brother house.?
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