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Joke section.

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  • Sky_JPSky_JP
    edited November 2015
    Why are pirates called pirates?


    Because they "Arrrrggh"
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  • MAXALLYMAXALLY
    edited November 2015


    ^^^^^

    Obv opened your pirates christmas crackers box too early this year.
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  • yuranASSetyuranASSet
    edited November 2015
    He didn't! Surely he didn't? Did he...?
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  • goldongoldon
    edited March 2016
    An eighty year old man was fishing in the local lake when he heard a voice say;  "Pick me up," he looked around and saw a Frog sitting on a pond leaf,  "Pick me up," "Pick me up"   "Are you talking to me"?  asked the old man.   "Yes replied the Frog . "If you pick me up and kiss me, I will turn into a Beautiful, vivacious young Woman who will fulfil your every wish and fantasy.  After thinking for a few minutes the old man picked up the Frog and put it in his pocket. The Frog cried out, Why haven't you kissed me.?  Are you crazy! didn't you hear what I just said. I can become a beautiful sexy lady and fulfil your every need.   "Yes" I did hear you, said the old man,  but "At my age I'd rather have a talking Frog."
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  • voyuervoyuer
    edited November 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    This man has to go in for a colonoscopy and is rather worried about it. Anyway, the nurse soon realises his concern and as the procedure starts reassuringly says to him, "now don't worry, it is perfectly normal to get an ere-ction at this stage" But the man says he hasn't got one. To which the Nurse replies, "but I have"
    Posted by tomo_efc
    lol
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  • voyuervoyuer
    edited November 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    Why are pirates called pirates? Because they "Arrrrggh"
    Posted by Sky_JP
    lol,classic
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  • goldongoldon
    edited November 2015
      Man takes his Dog to the Vet and ask's him to cut it's Tail off .  
      "Why!  on Earth would you want me to do that." asks the Vet?  "His tail is perfectly healthy.!
      "Well" said the man.  The Mother in Law is coming round tomorrow and I don't want anything
       to say she's welcome.!
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  • Sky_JPSky_JP
    edited November 2015
    I managed to get a girl to agree to go on a date with me the other day, after giving her a bottle of lemonade.

    I really schwepped her off her feet.
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  • goldongoldon
    edited November 2015
    Middle aged Woman is admitted to Hospital with mysterious illness.  Doctor examines her and tells her.  "You have acute Angina."!   "Yes,  she said,  but whats wrong with me." ?
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
    Young Couple at Work get a call from the School to say "Grandma" had not collected the children.  They rushed round to her home to see what was wrong.  "She said, the Doctor gave me these pill's and on the bottle, it said," 
    "Take two a day and (keep away from Children) 
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  • Sky_JPSky_JP
    edited December 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    Young Couple at Work get a call from the School to say "Grandma" had not collected the children.  They rushed round to her home to see what was wrong.  "She said, the Doctor gave me these pill's and on the bottle, it said,"  "Take two a day and (keep away from Children) 
    Posted by goldon
    lol
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  • Sky_JPSky_JP
    edited December 2015
    Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a lifetime achievement award?



    He was outstanding in his field.
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
     Poker Player playing at Casino tables looks down in his jacket pocket and orders a large Whiskey from the bar. Few hands later looks down in his pocket again and orders another large Whiskey.  The Dealer ask's him why he keeps looking down at his pocket before ordering his drinks.  " he replies"!  I have picture of the Wife there, when she starts to look good it's time to go home.?
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
      OK!  OK!    The wife got fed up with my trerrible jokes and bought me JOKE book for my birthday.?
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
      (Up-date)    Sob!   "My lovely new Joke Book."     She tore all the pages out saying she's not listening to them for the next six months.    "Anger Management Classes refuse to take her.?
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited December 2015

    Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing. 

    "Oh, quite well. We expect he'll be released in the morning." 

    "Very good, thank you." 

    "May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?" inquired the nurse. 

    "This IS Mr. Norton. The doctors don't tell me anything!"
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  • Sky_JPSky_JP
    edited December 2015
    I've been planning on making a Delorian that will run off Herbs and Spices alone, but I never realised how difficult it was to make a thyme machine.
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  • goldongoldon
    edited March 2016
    Woman  has terminal illness and asked the Solicitor to make her  "Will"   "I wish to be cremated and my ashes scattered at the Local Poker Casino. "Why there,  asks the Solicitor"!   "Well,  its the only way I can Guarantee my Husband will come visit me." ? 
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  • goldongoldon
    edited January 2016
    Paddy & Mick,  get letters from "Screwfix" & "Tena Lady" Solicitors saying.
     " Will you please stop phoning our Offices, we are not a "Dating Agency."! 
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
      Two  O.A.P.s  meet in the Street.  "Not seen you at the Club lately"!   "No, I joined new one but think they're some sort of  "Cult" organisation.!  "Why's that, he asked"?   "Well,  they keep whispering in my ear. Urine    
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
    Couple get tickets for "West End Magic Show"  after the show they meet the Magician.  "The Husband asked him, how on earth did you do that trick.!   "Well if I told you ..... I would have to kill you."!   "OK!  he said, could you just tell the Wife."?
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
      "Mad Scientist"  discovers how to transplant the Brain of a Monkey into a Human skull.  He pattented the proceedure and carried out hundreds of successful operations before he was able to call the result.  Politicians!
    He now tours the Country with one he calls ..... Boris ?
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
    Old Man trying to get his old age Social Security Benifit re-newed was asked for his birth Certificate. Sorry left it at home.  Oops! "Never mind," said the clerk, just un-button your shirt.!  See'ing grey hairs on his chest she said, "Thats OK and fills out his Form."    Later at home he tells his Wife what happened.  Pity you didn't drop your trousers you would have got Disability Benefits too.
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  • paige55paige55
    edited December 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    Old Man trying to get his old age Social Security Benifit re-newed was asked for his birth Certificate. Sorry left it at home.  Oops! "Never mind," said the clerk, just un-button your shirt.!  See'ing grey hairs on his chest she said, "Thats OK and fills out his Form."    Later at home he tells his Wife what happened.  Pity you didn't drop your trousers you would have got Disability Benefits too.
    Posted by goldon
    lol xxx
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited December 2015
    Wife: "How would you describe me?" 

    Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." 

    Wife: "What does that mean?" 

    Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." 

    Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" 

    Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited December 2015

     IRISH MAN at an Interview for a job

    Employer : 'How long did u work during your last job? 

    Paddy: 30 years. 

    Employer : What's your age? 

    Paddy : 20. 

    The Employer was surprised and asked Paddy how it is possible that you are 20 and have worked 30 years. 

    Paddy : Overtime.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited December 2015

    Q: Is Google male or female? 

    A: A female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
    At School in the sixth form we all had nick'names for each other, but it wasn't till years later when I dated a girl from my class that I found out why they called her "Woodpecker"
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  • goldongoldon
    edited December 2015
    Does anyone know the where-abouts of "Nightingale"
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited December 2015
    Your right, there was a girl in our school who's name was Mary, but everyone called her Marge, why ? because her legs spread easy.

    Then there was Evonne, the boys would ask Evonne to "evonne this for half an hour".
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