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Joke section.

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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited June 2015
    Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
    Control tower: What airline is this?
    Pilot: What difference does that make?
    Control tower: Well if it's BA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it's TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it's Ryan air, the big hand is on the…..”
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited June 2015
    A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." 
    The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." 
    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! 
    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." 
    The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" 
    The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." 
    The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 
    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. 
    The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." 
    The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Now, I give up. You can have the feckin duck."
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited June 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."  The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Now, I give up. You can have the feckin duck."
    Posted by tomo_efc
    chuckle
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited August 2015
    A man got in a taxi cab to be driven to work. They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light. The taxi cab driver wasn’t sure his indicator's were working, so he said to the man "will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?" As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited September 2015
    Doctor I keep stealing things"
    " Take these tablets; if that doesn't work get me a flat screen TV."
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  • EssexphilEssexphil
    edited September 2015
    An acquaintance had a strange ambition:-he wanted to be run down by a steam train.

    Last week his wish came true, and he was chuffed to bits....
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  • paige55paige55
    edited September 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    Doctor I keep stealing things" " Take these tablets; if that doesn't work get me a flat screen TV."
    Posted by tomo_efc
    LOL XXX
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  • paige55paige55
    edited September 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    An acquaintance had a strange ambition:-he wanted to be run down by a steam train. Last week his wish came true, and he was chuffed to bits....
    Posted by Essexphil
    lolxxx
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  • paige55paige55
    edited September 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.” When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”
    Posted by tomo_efc
    LOL glad i do not live next door
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  • paige55paige55
    edited September 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells. The 94-year-old shouts back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
    Posted by tomo_efc
    this is a classic i may even right a song lol xxx
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited September 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    In Response to Re: Joke section. : this is a classic i may even right a song lol xxx
    Posted by paige55
    Don't forget......lol.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited September 2015
    " Dad who built the Suez Canal"
    " I don't know son"
    " Dad who discovered penicillin "
    " I've no idea son"
    " Dad what's the capital of Italy "
    " I ain't got a clue son"
    "Dad you don't mind me asking all these questions do you"
    "No son, if you don't ask you won't learn anything
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited September 2015
    a man goes the doctors,the doc asks whats the problem,the man says,well its abit embarrasing really,but when i go to the toilet my poo comes out in cubes,the doc says mmmm drop your trousers lets have a look,so the man drops his kegs,bend over says the doc.
    so after a few seconds and some uming and arring from the doc the man hears snip snip snip and the doc says there you go that should solve the problem,the man asks in a relieved voice what the problem was,the doc says ive cut 4 inches off your string vest
    boom boom
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  • Sky_DanSky_Dan
    edited September 2015
    Sky Sam has just gone to the hospital and on his way out told me this blinder:

    WHO ARE THE NICEST PEOPLE IN HOSPITAL?

    The Ultrasound guys.
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  • Sky_DanSky_Dan
    edited September 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    There are two types of people in this world, those that can extrapolate information from incomplete sentences.
    Posted by Epoker
    Still one of my favourites on here.
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  • EssexphilEssexphil
    edited September 2015
    They say that people fron the United Arab Emirates don't like The Flintstones........
    but Abu Dhabi do!

    Apologies....
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited September 2015
    A woman asking people questions for her company's survey walked up to a man and asked if he would be willing to participate. He said, “Sure”. She asked him to name something expensive that he wished he had never bought. The man answered, “My wedding ring.
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  • waller02waller02
    edited September 2015
    This joke is so old and I'm sure most of you have heard it, but I told it to a couple of mates recently and they hadn't, so here goes.......

    An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are sat on the top of some scaffolding having their lunch break at the building site where they work.
    The Englishman opens up his lunchbox and says "FFS ham sandwiches! I'm sick of ham sandwiches. In fact, if I get ham sandwiches again tomorrow then I'm gonna jump off this scaffold and kill myself!"
    The Scotsman opens up his lunchbox and says "FFS cheese sandwiches! I'm sick of these too. I tell you what, if I get cheese sandwiches tomorrow then I will join you mate!"
    The Irishman opens his lunchbox and says "FFS egg sandwiches! I am sick and tired of egg sandwiches! Right lads, if I get egg sandwiches tomorrow then I'm gonna jump too!"

    Anyway, tomorrow comes and they are sat on the scaffold having their lunch. The Englishman opens his luchbox and sure enough he has ham sandwiches again.........he jumps to his death.
    The Scotsman opens his lunchbox to reveal cheese sandwiches........he jumps to his death.
    The Irishman opens his lunchbox to find that he has egg sandwiches, so just like the others.........he jumps to his death.

    The foreman calls in the 3 wives of the men to explain the situation. "Apparently ladies, the men all jumped and killed themselves because they were sick of having the same sandwiches for lunch every single day."

    The Englishman's wife replys. "Well all he had to do was tell me and I would have made someting different!"
    The Scotsman's wife replys. "Yeah, same here. All he had to do was say!"
    The Irisman's wife then pipes up. "I don't understand! He made his own pack up!"
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  • stuarty117stuarty117
    edited September 2015
    hmmmm

    I like egg sandwiches
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited September 2015
    A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200!
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited October 2015
    A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his clients who was on holiday in Spain. “I’m having a great time!” “Wish you were here to tell me why.”
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited October 2015
    DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE SCARECROW WHO WON A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD ?
    HE WAS OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited October 2015
    WOMEN ALWAYS HAVE AN ANSWER....


    A couple arrived at the boarding gate just in time to see their plane taking off. The husband was angry to have missed the plane. “If you weren’t so slow in getting ready,” he complained to his wife, “we wouldn’t have missed the plane.” “And if you wouldn’t have rushed me, we wouldn’t have so long to wait until the next flight,” she replied.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited November 2015
    Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a Tory MP!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
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  • weecheez1weecheez1
    edited November 2015
    It's not really funny but during last night's 1000 freeroll some body sneaked into my kitchen and took a dump into my pot off mince it was disgusting I had to fling half of it out 
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited November 2015
    In Response to Re: Joke section.:
    It's not really funny but during last night's 1000 freeroll some body sneaked into my kitchen and took a dump into my pot off mince it was disgusting I had to fling half of it out 
    Posted by weecheez1

    Didn't want to do it on the floor, in case you slipped on it..
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  • yuranASSetyuranASSet
    edited November 2015
    Pat & Mick are on a building site. Their boss tells them to go and measure the height of the entrance flag pole. Their both stood looking up at this high flag pole and start to wonder how they were going to manage it. A colleague walks up and says, I'll show you how it's done boys. He proceeds to unscrew the flag pole then lays it on the ground and pulls out his tape measure. 

    Pat & Mick look at each other and burst out laughing saying "He was wanting the height, not the width you thicko"

    Boom Boom
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  • goldongoldon
    edited November 2015
      Man goes to the Doctors not feeling well and is sent to the Local Hospital for Tests.  Days later the Consultant calls him in for the Test Results.  "I have Good News and Bad News" he tells him.!   "The Good News is, we have found your problem."!   "The Bad News is, it's life threatening and you need Triple Organ Transplant right away." "The Good News is, I'm the only Surgeon in the World that has performed this delicate Surgery successfully."     "The Bad News is, it needs to be done before the end of this week."!   "The Good News is,  I have just Won the Euro Millions biggest ever Jackpot, handed my notice in and leave on round the World Cruise tommorrow. However even with N.H.S. cuts they have managed to find replacement Surgeon to do your Operation this week.  The Bad News is,  his C.V. said,  last job was Tree Surgeon.!    
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  • Sky_JPSky_JP
    edited November 2015
    Why did the pirate buy the Ship?



    Because it was on Sail.


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  • Sky_JPSky_JP
    edited November 2015
    What is the pirates favourite letter?



    Well, his fist love was the C.
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