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So he tied her up and had a game of poker.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid Johnny?"
"No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there on your own!"
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please.
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!
Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."
"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."
"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."
A Scouser died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
The Scouser thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God's first name is Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was Howard?"
The scouser replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
"OK, I give you that," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
The scouser says the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that fookin candle out" came the harried reply.
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!
The 94-year-old shouts back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
"Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
What has star trek and humans have in common? They both have clingons circuling Uranus. :S
The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on.
He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff that what is it" he said.. the doc replied
"My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off"
" What do you call it?" Said the cannibal.
" Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor.
WHATS THE BEST WAY TO UPSET PHYCHICS
THROW THEM A SUPRISE PARTY