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Joke of the day!
Nothing better to do? then give everyone something to smile at with (drum roll)....
JOKE OF THE DAY! (that bit echoed!)
Two muffins were sitting in the oven baking,
One muffin turns to the other muffin and remarks "cor blimey, It's a bit hot in 'ere mate!"
The other muffin looks at the first muffin and replies...
"Holy c*** a talking muffin!"
Comments
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver: Yes, mate.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying b@stard told you I was speeding, as well.
a dog?
no..a zoo with no animals
I won.
..ok ok I forgot to mention CLEAN jokes!!!!
I think mine is the only clean one! hahahaha
Pat goes in first, he askes the undertaker to turn the body over, face down,
he examines the corpse's backside and declares it is definately not his mate Sean.
Mick goes in next and does exactly the same and declares it is not his mate Sean.
The undertaker is very confused by their actions and asks how can they be sure it is not Sean.
Pat tells him, every time we were out with him, walking down the street, people would comment,
here comes Sean with the two ar**holes.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
Mrs. Davidson’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn’t come over that evening and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. Don’t worry about my Doberman. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, don’t talk to my parrot!”
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking doberman he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts, cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t stand it any longer and yelled: “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied: “Get him, Spike!"
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
So they get to the first and the jockey is too embarrassed to tell his horse to jump so he says nothing and the horse goes straight through the fence and there's branches and twigs flying everywhere. Gets to the second and says nothing again and the horse goes ploughing straight through again smashing the fence all over the place and nearly breaks its legs.
The jockey thinks ' i'd better start telling it to jump or i'm going to kill this horse' So just in front of the next he shouts 'jump' and the horse majestically glides over it , and the next and all the remaining fences and it wins the race easily.
In the winners enclosure the owner runs over to the jockey. The jockey says ' what a fantastic horse that is ' The owner said ' what the HECK do you think you are doing you nearly killed it you muppet you never told it to jump at the first or second '
Quickly thinking of an excuse the jockey said ' i did tell it to jump it must be a bit deaf '
'Its not deaf you blithering idiot' said the owner ' it's piggin blind !!!!'
'Do you want an ice cream love?' asks the wife.
'No it's ok don't bother ' says the husband.
'I wont forget what you want don.t worry ' reassures the wife.
'Ok then' says the husband, ' i'll have a cornet with a flake and some hundreds and thousands and some nuts on and some strawberry sauce and some chocolate sauce' ok.
'So let me get this right so i don't forget ' said the wife, ' you want a cornet with a flake and and some hundreds and thousands and nuts and strawberry sauce and chocolate sauce '
'Yep that's right said the husband'
She gets her purse and goes out. About an hour later she returns with fish and chips and puts them on his lap wrapped up.
'What the piggin heck is this woman?' said the husband.
'It's fish and chips ' said the wife.
'You bleedin idiot ' said the husband, ' i wanted sausage and chips !!'
Anyway a guy comes over and says " I take offence at that joke. My brother is epileptic and he died when he had a fit in the bath" I apologised profusely and asked " Did he drown?"
"No" the bloke said " He choked on a sock"
Exasperated husband "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time"
Wife"God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me and God made me stupid so i would be attracted to you"