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At first, the wife seemed to cope well with the tragedy, but after a couple of phone calls home she broke down and, absolutely distraught, threw herself on the mercy of the priest in charge of the pilgrimage.
"Father," she cried. "you must help me. I need £3,000 so that I can fly my husband's body home for burial."
Knowing that the couple were poor, the priest sought to put her mind at rest. "I can't give you £3,000 to fly the body home," he said, "but I can arrange for your husband to be buried here, in the Holy Land."
"No!" screamed the woman. "I'm not asking for charity. I have arranged to pawn all my furniture and have my grandchildren sold into slavery to pay for the flight - but this takes time and the money will not be here for four days. I just need to borrow it till then."
But why sell your grandchildren into slavery when your husband can be buried here, and I will do this service for free?" asked the priest.
"Because," replied the wife, "two thousand years ago another man died here and was buried here; and after three days he rose again. I'm not taking the risk with that old b**t**d."
There is an eagle flying around that is feeling rather frisky. He sees a dove and decides to home in on it. He speands a little time with it and then flies off. The dove says "im a dove, im a dove and ive had a little love and i like it. The eagle is still not satisfied. He flies around for a little while longer and spots a blue t**. He hones in and spends a little bit longer than before then flies off. The t** says "im a t**, I'm a t** and i had a little bit and i like it. Well the eagle STILL isnt satisfied. He flies around for hours and then suddenly out of the corner of his eye he spots a duck on a lake below. He says to himself "go on my son" - he homes in and gives the duck a right seeing to and eventually exhausted flies off. The duck says "I'm a drake, I'm a drake and hes made a mistake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good One!!
nintendo have brought out a game where a 14 year old boy runs around the streets of glasgow
smashing cars, stabbing people and robbing houses.
its called..................................wii baastard!
"I want a job"
Advisor - take a seat, I think we may have something here for you.
Scouser - Really?
Advisor - Yes...you can drive cant you?
Scouser - yeah, what is the job?
Advisor - it has just come in this morning, but the job title is a bit vague. Basically you have to chaperone and chauffer the 23 year-old twin daughters of a multi-millionaire businessman to various modelling assignments.
Scouser - Sounds good, tell me more.
Advisor - 45k basic, worldwide travel and accommodation provided as the job requires. A fleet of high performance and luxury cars for use as required and 10 weeks paid holiday.
Scouser - FFS, You're bullsihting me.
Advisor - well you started it mate.
I heard a man got charged with throwing a bottle of Dosmestos over the Pope today.
He's been charged with bleaching the priest....
The blonde begins to sob and says, "That's horrible. So many people dying in that way".
Confused, the husband says......"Yes dear, it is sad...but sky-diving is not a risk-free pastime".
After a couple of minutes, the blonde, still sobbing asks....."How many is a Brazillion?"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a w@nker
the girl looks at him and replies....
'you're a little forward aren't you'
"Certainly" replies the Barman, "You must be thirsty"
"No, I am celebrating" he answers.
"What you celebrating?"
"I am celebrating my first blow job"
"Congratulations mate, Here have another whisky from me, on the house"
"No thanks, If 12 dont get rid of the taste then another one wont help!"
After all he will end up the rest of his life being searched.
He worked it out with a pencil.
What do you give a girl who has everything?
A broad spectrum of antibiotics.
Two men walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.
And to balance my joke post out:
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
It shouldn't take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Their names, if you know them. If not just say "excuse me"
Just got back from the World Erectiion Championship.
I reached the Semis
Count every " F " in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
did u get 3 look again there are 6
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's f anny
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''.... 'I don't remember much after that.'
this is not a joke but i was amazed when i read this Count every " F " in the following text: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS... (SEE BELOW) HOW MANY ? did u get 3 look again there are 6
Posted by robalanxxx
is it the highlighted above ?
walking up to the counter.
was Italian? demanded the Irishman indignantly.
theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
me if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would Ya?"
steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me
if I was French?
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,
asked for Irish sausages?"
Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick