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When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno 's backyard in Woodbridge !
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger"!
wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'
This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and
not use it?'
The neighbour says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed
to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'
'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'
The man shakes his head,......
'No, they're all at the funeral',......
Bloke gets in sits down and says to his wife "get me a beer before it starts" she gets it and he drinks it, he then says "get me another before it starts" so she does and he drinks that then says "quick get me another before it starts" then the wife says "listen here you fat lazy **** dont just come in here sit down and start barking your ****ing orders" so the husband says "**** me its started"!!
mum "where`s that then darling"
girl "mummy & daddy take their clothes off & daddy`s thingy sort of sticks out & mummy puts it in her mouth & sucks it & thats how you get babies"
shaking her head, mum says "oh darling thats so sweet, but thats not how we get babies, thats how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes, shoes, & all the decorating done"
packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap
jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his
voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career,
the blind impresario starts to play an 'e' minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a
jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives
straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical
expertise, but still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts:
"No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Stevie is really pi$$ed off now that this chap doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage,
"OK smarta$$, you get up here and do it".
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing...
"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
Audley Harrison.
Both wore gloves for no reason
They both got paid handsomely for a good spanking.
Despite all the ongoing media royal kafuffle there might be some light at the end of the tunnel for Kate.
You read it here first kids.
I thank you xxx
A family of Vampire bats 3 generations deep.....all living in a dark murky cave deep in the jungle.
All going through a really difficult period searching for something to get their teeth into but each night they all go searching and each dawn they come back even hungrier.
But then one early morning, mother bat with her 5 baby bats, her grandmother and grandfather all came back earlier than usual...all too weak to keep searching for food and exhausted because they're having to search further out for their prey.
But after a few hours had passed by, one of the baby Vampire bats starts to cry because daddy bat is still not back. Mother bat is now tryin to console them all, reassuring them that daddy will be back soon....when suddenly they hear him approaching.....blood streaming out of his mouth,.. oh what great joy ...food at long last they thought.. they all surrounded the poor exhausted dad.
The excited children all screaming' Daddy, daddy plz show how us where you got that plz, plz'.
Very reluctantly the daddy gave in and said follow me.......and off they went,...over the mountains, down the valley's , through the jungle and then out into a clearing by a brook when he suddenly stops too exhausted to carry on.
'Right children you want to know how i got this blood', 'Oh yes daddy, we do'.... 'ok then', see the woods over there, 'yes daddy, we can see it'. 'and can you see that really large oak tree 100 yards to the right of that large rock'....'yes daddy' we can see it'....'good,...and now can you see that small branch sticking out, just behind the really large branch about 3/4 of the way up the tree'....' Yes daddy yes ...we can see it' barely able to contain their excitement any longer......' Well I wish I effin well did...my that really hurt'.
October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the coast of Scotland.
/> /> The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95
/> />
/> /> BRITISH:
/> /> Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
/> />
/> />
/> /> US NAVY:
/> /> Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
collision .
/> />
/> />
/> /> BRITISH:
/> /> Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid collision
/> />
/> />
/> /> US NAVY:
/> /> This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
/> />
/> />
/> /> BRITISH:
/> /> Negative. I say again: divert your course.
/> />
/> />
/> /> US NAVY:
/> /> THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN', THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE
15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
/> />
/> />
/> /> BRITISH:
/> /> This is the Mull of Galloway Lighthouse..................
At court the judge said..
"Mr Hitman, Why do you keep beating your wife?"
I thought for a bit ...then answered logically...
" Its probably a combination of, my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork"
ps JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No way can i beat Hitwife!!................. Her hands are much too fast LOL
when he catches up with her he gives her a right battering,
looks down at her in crumpled and bloody heap and says "not so tuff now are you batman"
During the robbery, a brave man pulled off the robber's mask. The robber shot him.
The robber then noticed the assistant bank manager looking him directly in the face. The robber shot him, too.
The robber looked around and saw everyone else looking at the floor. He shouted, "Anyone else that sees my face will get shot. Has anyone else seen my face?"
An old boy standing near the wall, still staring at the floor, replied, "My wife got a real good look at you!"
Ingredients:
* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottle wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the wine to check quality. Take a largebowl, check the wine again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour onelevel cup and drink.
Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cupof butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beatagain. At this point it's best
to make sure the wine is still OK. Try anothercup... Just in case. Turn
off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add tothe bowl and chuck in the
cup of dried fruit.
Pick the stupid fruit up off floor. Mix on theturner. If the fried druit
gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose witha drewscriver. Sample
the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift twocups of salt. Or
something.. Check the wine. Now shift the lemonjuice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink.Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees andtry not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally,throw the bowl through the
window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with thecat.
Go to Marks or Sainsburys and buy cake.
Bingle Jells!
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop. We were only in
there for about 5 minutes. When we came out,
there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a dumb a$$. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a $$hit head. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home. We try to have a little fun each day
now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
A human hair can hold three kilo
The length of the {CENSORED} is three times the length of the thumb
The femur is as hard as concrete
A womans heart beats faster than a mans
Women blink twice as many times as men
We use three hundred muscles to maintain balance whilst standing
A woman can read this entire thread while a man is still staring at his thumb