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Joke of the day!

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  • HITMAN_RVHITMAN_RV
    edited March 2011
    JUST TO EVEN THINGS UP ....................................


    HUSBAND to WIFE  " My olympic condoms have landed, i think i'll wear Gold tonight"

    WIFE replies  " Why not wear Silver & come second for a change!!"
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  • HITMAN_RVHITMAN_RV
    edited March 2011
    I'll have that cold beer at Luton PLEASE !!! lol
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  • Serge77Serge77
    edited March 2011
    I went all in with A 9. Other guy went all in wid 4 and a 6. He beat me by getting flush to the 4. That's when you know god hates you.
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  • RiverDohRiverDoh
    edited March 2011
    The Metropolitan Police are looking for a racist attacker.

    I rang them, but apparently it is not a job.
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  • bigbiker22bigbiker22
    edited March 2011
    A Pakistani has been battered to death in Glasgow.

    Those Scots will deep fry anything.
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  • OHMYGODOHMYGOD
    edited March 2011
    Paddy tells mick that he's bought himself a new flask,"it's a good one mick,it keeps hot things hot & cold things cold" What you got in it today then paddy asks mick? " Two cups of coffee & a choc ice"!!
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited March 2011
    Ive just opened up a japanese restuarant, it started out a bit shakey but people are slowly starting to drift in...
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  • loonytoonsloonytoons
    edited March 2011
    Japanese woman at the bureau de change in London,
    'how many pounds for my 2000 yen?'
    Teller says '£189',
    woman says 'yesterday it was £203 why less today'
    Teller says ' Fluctuations'
    Woman says 'fluck you English as well'
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited March 2011
    JAPANESE TSUNAMI APPEAL

    Do not give money to this scam as they are minted, ive just seen a bloke on telly being interviewed outside his house & he has 2 boats & 8 cars on his drive way....
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  • MAXALLYMAXALLY
    edited March 2011


    I DONT THINK ITS APPROPRIATE TO MAKE JOKES AFTER THIS TRAGEDY. I KNOW ITS HARD TO FEEL SORRY OR SYMPATHY COS THEY'RE FOREIGNERS, BUT WE HAVE TO REMEMBER THEY HAVE LOST EVERYTHING IN ALMOST AN INSTANT.........................








    .........STILL, THERE IS ALWAYS NEXT SEASON ARSENAL!!!!
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  • RiverDohRiverDoh
    edited March 2011

    i told my new bit on the side that my knob was like a computer. She asked, was it because it has loads of ram and a hard drive.

    The surprise she got when she found out it was full of viruses...

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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited March 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
    i told my new bit on the side that my knob was like a computer. She asked, was it because it has loads of ram and a hard drive. The surprise she got when she found out it was full of viruses...
    Posted by RiverDoh
    oh yes, thats a good one.
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  • JingleMaJingleMa
    edited March 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
    I DONT THINK ITS APPROPRIATE TO MAKE JOKES AFTER THIS TRAGEDY. I KNOW ITS HARD TO FEEL SORRY OR SYMPATHY COS THEY'RE FOREIGNERS, BUT WE HAVE TO REMEMBER THEY HAVE LOST EVERYTHING IN ALMOST AN INSTANT......................... .........STILL, THERE IS ALWAYS NEXT SEASON ARSENAL!!!!
    Posted by MAXALLY
    Lol!!! 8- />
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  • Red_KingRed_King
    edited March 2011
    Man shouts downstairs to his wife,
    "Come and help me fix this clock"

    Wife comes up to see what he's on about

    He's standing stark naked and very excited

    She says, "That's not a clock"

    He replies, "It will be when you put two hands and a face on it"...
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  • stuannestuanne
    edited March 2011
    you can make money on sky poker
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  • JingleMaJingleMa
    edited March 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
    you can make money on sky poker
    Posted by stuanne
    I know, it's great isn't it?
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  • DoubleblowDoubleblow
    edited March 2011

    Have you heard the one about the cross eyed, female harpoonist?

    She won the Miss W(h)ales contest!   :)

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  • daniel1969daniel1969
    edited March 2011
    they say the best way to make a cuppa tea is to agitate the bag .... so every morning i wake up and flick the wifes ear and say two sugars fat bum
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  • Frankie67Frankie67
    edited March 2011

    A Native American Red Indian introduced me to his wife..... "This is Four Horses..............

    I said "Thats a Lovely name, What does it mean?"














    NAG,NAG,NAG,NAG

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  • paige55paige55
    edited March 2011
    a man touring the wild west asks a native indian what his wifes name is .FIVE HORSES he replies. WHAT an unusual name says the man. what DOES IT MEAN. THE indian replies. Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited April 2011
    i met a native red indian (stop me if you`ve heard this before) who introduced his wife as One Thousand Three Hundred & Sixty Two horses, I said "thats a strange name what does it mean"? 
    Oi if you think im typing that out 1362 times your wrong pal.
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  • Murphy17Murphy17
    edited April 2011
    What do you call a dog with no legs........



    Anything you want, he still wont come to ya.
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  • innitinnit
    edited April 2011
    two men at bar saying bring back standing up at fooball wonder if they ment the players or the crowd
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited April 2011
    Bloke walks into a bar & asks if they wanna hear an Irish joke, Bloke next to him (built like a brick out house), taps him on the shoulder & says, "Before you say anything, Im Irish, the landlord, whose served time for murder is Irish, the bloke at the end of the bar is a bare knuckle boxing champion for the Irish travellers & the doorman is ex I R A . So do you really want to tell an Irish joke in here ? The bloke replies "No! not if ive got to explain it four flipping times!"
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  • logdonlogdon
    edited April 2011

    The Irish cockney Punter who put a Pony on a Horse and got a Donkey back.?

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  • bigrbigr
    edited April 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
    A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot. Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!? Driver: Yes, mate. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Inspector: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Boot is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying b@stard told you I was speeding, as well.
    Posted by Quagmire72
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited April 2011
    Prince William says he doesnt want the traditional fruitcake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesnt give a flop he is still going.
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  • HITMAN_RVHITMAN_RV
    edited April 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
    Prince William says he doesnt want the traditional fruitcake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesnt give a flop he is still going.
    Posted by lucy4
    Will they be having Ginger Tart as well?

    Cause apparently Sarah F. will turn up at the openin of a Coke Can for a Fiver, and a quarter page in 'hello'
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  • morse999morse999
    edited April 2011
    After  a visit to the brothel
    A man notices green lumps on his willy,
    so  he goes to the doctors.
    “That’s  serious” says the doctor.
    “You  know how wrestlers get Cauliflower Ears?”
    “Yes”  says the man seriously.
    “Well”  says the doctor “You’ve got Brothel Sprouts.”
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  • morse999morse999
    edited April 2011
    After landing my new job as an Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.  Why?  
    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
    'Good morning and welcome to Asda, nice children you have there, are they twins?'
      
    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
    'Hell no, they're not twins, the oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7!
    Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

    So I replied,
    'I'm neither blind nor stupid, love, I just couldn't believe someone screwed you twice..?
    Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda!

    My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

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