Joke of the day!

morse999

       

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful

 bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for Christ's sake, some of us have got

homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big

fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting

your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's

voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken,

beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bas tard, I was talking to the

cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can

survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read, but bless,

look at you having a little go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a

small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and

says, 'Curry Ok?' I said, 'go on then, just one song then bug ger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn

cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for

starters!'

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his pen is stuck in a condom

machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert

£2 and push knob in'.

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get

me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's

been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

Great  News for you during these financially challenging  times!

I  found a local pro stitute who charges by the  inch.

Obviously, I can't  afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a  cheap

night out .  .  ...

Keep Smiling - People will wonder what you are up to!

morse999

Iwould like to know why, on some sites you cannott type f ag but can type po of?
Is this more evedence of American interfearence?

in context I typed at the 5 min break off for af ag now and it was rejected. So I put off for a po of now and it was o k.
Daft eh?
see what I mean?

MP33

Imogen Thomas is trying to get her singing career going

She,s started by doing giggs in Manchester

lucy4

I bought the wife one of them memory sticks, it`s been great. She aint forgotten my dinner, beer or s ex once this week.

lucy4

I went to the gym today i asked the trainer which machine i should use to impress the ladies, he said try the cash machine outside you fat b.....d.

bludreid11

a man was on his deathbed when the smell of his favorite cakes came wafting up the stairs. thinking his wife
was making his wish for a great last meal come true, he dragged his body out of bed, crawled across the floor
rolled down the stairs,dragged himself to the kitchen ,slowly pulled himself up to the table and streching
out his withered hand to get a cake he felt a smack on the back of his hand.
his wife said  leave them alone thier for the funeral.

outdrawn99

Two fish swim into a wall.......
first fish turns to the second and says 'dam'

Glenelg

1. Was at the cash point the other day. This old lady said:
"Excuse me, can you check my balance?"

So I pushed her over.

2. When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face!

shazallin

Q What have Fernando Torres and Imogen Thomas got in common?

A They both use to be fu**ing great footballers

bludreid11

a guy went to his mates house and said i found a woman tied to the railway line.
his mate asked  what did you do ??
he said i took her home and had the best sex  ive ever had.
his mate asks what did she look like ??
dont know i never found her head

shipdchips

A donkey and a chicken are out in a field,when the donkey falls down a hole.The chicken races over and jumps into the farmers BMW,ties a rope to the front and pulls him out.

Week later there out in the field and the chicken falls down another hole. He tells the donkey to run and get the farmers BMW,but instead the donkey walks over to the hole and drops his winkle in,and the chicken climbs out.

The moral off the story when your hung like a donkey you don't need a BMW to pull a chick.

unknown_username

little lad catches a butterfly puts it in a jar and it suffocates'
His dad finds  out and punishes him by stpping him eating butter for a month.
The little lad then accidently kills a honey bee. His dad punishes him with no Honey for a month.
They go into the kitchen just as his mother treads on a c ock roach.
little lad turns round to his dad and says "are you going to tell her or shall I?"

tapeworm

The missus told me I should get one of those pe nis enlargers last night.





So I have........her names Rachel and shes 21

MyZo

My wife packed her bags and left because of my pasta touching fetish.

I'm feeling canneloni right now.

MyZo

BBC News - Zawahiri 'becomes Al-Qaeda chief'. 

A piece of advice America: check his house first.

also....
 
Say what you want about Al-Qaeda, but they've appointed a new manager before Aston Villa...

MyZo

When midgets say goodbye to eachother, do they use microwaves?

robalanxxx

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying co caine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shi t all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

yuranASSet

Billy was watching t.v. Next day billy comes donstairs and asks "Dad whats love juice?" 

His father looks horrfied and starts to explain all the details about intercourse.

Billy sat there open mouthed in amazement.

Dad asks, "So what where you watching?' 

Billy replies "Wimbledon"

MyZo

My wife must have been sat for ten minutes last night, wondering what to choose from the menu.

Eventually I had to step in and select, "Play Movie."

cartoonp

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Kiwini4u

Heard a story on the radio this morning that the Beckhams have named their child Harper Seven, this HAS to be a joke surely.

tapeworm

I went to a karate club the other day and got into a fight with a black belt. Then I started on some coats.

bolly580

wanna hear a joke about a wall?.........

I cant tell you ya wont get over it!

bigbiker22

The Mrs. got out of the shower and came into the bedroom stark naked. She said "Shut the curtains please. I dont want the neighbours to see me naked."

I said " Don't worry dear, if the neighbours see you naked they'll shut there own bloody curtains."

yuranASSet

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; 

the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, 

"Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

bigbiker22

I was sat down running my fingers through my hair and I thought " God, I must shave my a r s e soon"

tomgoodun

President bill clinton was impeached due to an unfortunate hearing deficiency suffered by Monica Lewinskl,heres what actually happened,as we all know monica was a pizza delivery girl at the White House when Bill was the numbero uno.Now Bill was getting rather sick of the in house rich sustenance and fancied a change,seeing the pizza menu he ordered a hawaian with extra pinaples,along comes the afformentioned miss lewinski on her moped with the speedy special hand delivered pizza.hands big bill the mouthwatering delicacy,on first taste bill was so taken by the delicious feast he yelled SACK MY COOK!....The rest as they say,,,,,is history,:)

lucy4

Both Manchester football clubs are jointly releasing a fragrance for christmas.

Channel No. 5.

lucy4

What do you call an anorexic girl with chlamydia ?

A quarter pounder with cheese. 

Poker_Fail

In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:

Portsmouth
Posted by Wilhelm

I choked on my pizza laughing at this!