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Joke of the day!

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  • morse999morse999
    edited April 2011
    Dear Mr. Cameron, Please find below our suggestion for fixing
    Britains economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that
    will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the
    following plan.



    You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:


    There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

    Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the
    following stipulations:


    1) They MUST retire.

    Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed


    2) They MUST buy a new British car.

    Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed



    3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -

    Housing Crisis fixed



    4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -

    Crime rate fixed



    5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....

    and there's your money back in duty/tax etc



    6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme
    that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy sods to
    reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them
    down.


    It can't get any easier than that!



    P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
    their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances



    If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.



    If not, please disregard.



    Grumpies of the World Unite


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  • morse999morse999
    edited April 2011
      Everyone   seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism'  these  days.   

       
    A   customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the  Irish  sausage?"    
       
    The   assistant asks, "Are you  Irish?"

     
    The   guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am..   But let  me ask you something.  

     
    “If   I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask  me if I  was Italian?  

     
    Or   if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you  ask me  if I was German?  

     
    Or   if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me  if I  was Jewish?  

     
    Or   if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I  was  Mexican?  

     
    Or   if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if  I was   Polish?"

     
     
    The  assistant says, "No, I probably   wouldn't."

     
     
    The guy  says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish  sausage, why did  you ask me if I'm Irish?"

     
     
    The  assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."   

     
     

     
     
     

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  • morse999morse999
    edited April 2011
    FOR SALE BY OWNER.
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
    Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything

    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
    Worn once by mistake.
    Call Stephanie

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer £100.
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited April 2011
    Just had my Census Form returned to me, In the answer to the question. Do you have any dependants ? I put `Asylum seekers, Pikies, Smackheads, Unemployable bar stewards, The cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS, and Half of Flopping Eastern Europe!!` ... Apparently this wasn`t an acceptable answer...
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  • HITMAN_RVHITMAN_RV
    edited April 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
    Just had my Census Form returned to me, In the answer to the question. Do you have any dependants ? I put `Asylum seekers, Pikies, Smackheads, Unemployable bar stewards, The cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS, and Half of Flopping Eastern Europe!!` ... Apparently this wasn`t an acceptable answer...
    Posted by lucy4
    But unfortunately true!!!


    Rite, mi joke, in case you think its true !!



    " I split up with the missus last nite, [again, lol], she said  i love Fulham & football more than her!!

    I was devastated, as i've been with her 9 seasons now!!! "



    ps check out Y-tube, "Lee & Gazza at Golf" LOL!! Two of ma best mates from footie days, Gary was a mad centre-half famous for heading ANYTHING LOL !!  Lee Currie, laughing in background, is Darren Currie's Brother, both Tony Currie [Leeds, QPR, Sheff UTD] Nephews !!  Boy Could that family 'Drop a Shoulder' !!

    Lee gettin married 2 weeks, mi lad is usher at his wedding
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  • loonytoonsloonytoons
    edited April 2011
    Somebody put a magnetic sign on my bumper saying 'i love gay sex' I was really peed off until i woke up in bed next to a pair of lesbians!!!!
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited April 2011
    I walked into the gents in my local club tonight, and there was a bloke standing having a pee at the urinals.
    Next to hime was a German Shepherd with its front paws up against the wall and it was having a pee as well.
    I asked if it was his dog, and remarked how clever it was.
    I then asked him how long it had been doing it, and he says 'Ever since a wall fell on it.'
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  • DIPLOMAT44DIPLOMAT44
    edited April 2011
    sky poker never win bad beats for over a week
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  • robalanxxxrobalanxxx
    edited April 2011
     A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
    /> together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler
    />
    /> The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
    />
    /> Grandpa replies: 'Can your pec ker touch your a$$'
    /> The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pec ker'.
    />
    /> Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.
    />
    /> A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
    /> The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
    />
    /> Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pec ker touch your a$$?' Once again the
    /> little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
    />
    /> Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'. A little
    /> later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
    />
    /> Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
    />
    /> The boy asks, 'Can your pec ker touch your a$$?'
    />
    /> Laughing, Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pec ker can touch my a$$'.
    />
    /> The little boy replies, 'Then go f..k  yourself'. Grandma made these for
    /> me'.

     

     

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  • demongirldemongirl
    edited April 2011
    joke of the day or should i say the decade 
     

    ready for it



    you sure here it comes















    right you asked for it














    THE SKY POKER WEBSITE   HOW FUNNY IS THAT
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  • HITMAN_RVHITMAN_RV
    edited April 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
    joke of the day or should i say the decade    ready for it you sure here it comes right you asked for it THE SKY POKER WEBSITE   HOW FUNNY IS THAT
    Posted by demongirl
    LOL ledge!!

    What a rite little 'Thread Terrorist' you are demongirl, I salute You!!


    ps. have you read the replies to your OP 'What a poor site this is' in area 51, you may be pleasantly surprised!!
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  • -TARAS--TARAS-
    edited April 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
     A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch /> together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler /> /> The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?' /> /> Grandpa replies: 'Can your pec ker touch your a$$' /> The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pec ker'. /> /> Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'. /> /> A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. /> The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?' /> /> Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pec ker touch your a$$?' Once again the /> little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'. /> /> Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'. A little /> later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. /> /> Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?' /> /> The boy asks, 'Can your pec ker touch your a$$?' /> /> Laughing, Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pec ker can touch my a$$'. /> /> The little boy replies, 'Then go f..k  yourself'. Grandma made these for /> me'.    
    Posted by robalanxxx
    Pmsl, saw the punchline coming towards the end but still made me L O L, nice 1.

    Bloke     in his 30's keeps getting ill so goes to church to ask the Lord if he's gonna die soon, to his surprise the Lord tells him he's got another 50 years to live.
    Feeling well happy, he thinks to himself ' If i've got that long to live i'm gonna sort my life out' So over the next 6 months he loses loads of weight, spends a fortune on dental work and a facelift. Finally to celebrate he buys himself a whole new wardrobe.
    On his way home dressed in some of his new kit, he gets struck dead by lightening.
    He gets to Heaven and seeks out the Lord and feeling abit miffed says    " I thought you said i had 50 years left ?"
    Our Lord replies " Yes, sorry about that but i didn't recognise you" 
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  • innitinnit
    edited April 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day! a letter to the pm:
    Dear Mr. Cameron, Please find below our suggestion for fixing Britains economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed 2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed 4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed 5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... and there's your money back in duty/tax etc 6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy sods to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down. It can't get any easier than that! P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard. Grumpies of the World Unite
    Posted by morse999
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited May 2011
    Kate`s wedding shoes were too tight, Once in the bedroom Wills helped her off with them. The family heard grunting, straining & a scream & Wills say "That was tight" The Queen said "I told you she was a vir gin" Then they heard Wills say "Now for the other one" There was more grunting & straining & Wills said "My god, that was even tighter" The Duke said "That`s my boy, Once a sailor always a sailor..  ;-)
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  • morse999morse999
    edited May 2011
    Paddy and Mick go to London to donate s p e r m.

    It was a disaster!

    Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


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  • morse999morse999
    edited May 2011
    just posted the above funny and the message said please replace the word s p e r m. 
    how is that offensive?  tis where we all came from.
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  • shannonshannon
    edited May 2011
    what do kate middleton and osama bin laden have in common ?
    last sunday they both had their back doors smashed in and were both shot in the face by a bloke in the navy
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  • pilot10pilot10
    edited May 2011

    A pretty young blonde women buys a economy class ticket and boards her flight to Toronto , Canada
    after take off she gos for a wonder up and down the aile but when she passes first class she notices a spare seat.. As she sneaks into the seat the stewardess notices and poiltely walks up and asks her to move back to her seat.
     With that the blonde turns and says  " im young and blonde and beautiful..   With that the stewardess gos to the cockpit and tell the pilot and co-pilot about this women.

    The co-pilot turns to the captain and says "ill go and have a word with her and make her move back to her seat,"  as the co-pilot  starts to ask the pretty young blonde women to move back to her economy class seat ..

    with that the blonde women looks round and says  "im young and blonde and beautiful and i am not moving fro this first class seat"

    The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tell the captain that they will need the police on arrival as the blonde women refuses to move back

    With that the pilot gets out of his seat and says that he will give it a try as his wife is blonde and beautiful aswell  he walks up to the blonde women sitting in first class and whispers in her ear within seconds the women stands and walks back to her seat in economy...

    the pilot walks back to his seat and calmly sits down and veiws his instruments   with the co-pilot and stewardess stuned they asked him what he said to the women

    he turns to them and simply said  that  first class wasnt going to toronto

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  • killie1219killie1219
    edited May 2011
    I saw stephen hawkings with a pair of wellies on the wrong feet so i rebooted him !! :)
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  • tapewormtapeworm
    edited May 2011
    The pope is in the vatican palace. Feeling a bit frisky he starts pleasuring himself. Suddenly he turns to see a window cleaner looking through the window, mouth wide open in horror.

    The pope says to him "look my son we cant have the world know about this, I will give you 1 million euros to keep quiet about it". The window cleaner agrees.

    One year later the popes accountant is going through the Vaticans books and he says to the pope "what is this 1 million euro payment for?" The pope looks embarresed and tells him it is for the windows being cleaned.

    The accountant replies "1 million euros for cleaning your wndows??? Jeez he must have seen you coming!!"
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  • tapewormtapeworm
    edited May 2011
    Bob and Bill are in their usually spit and saw dust pub, when this guy in an Armani suit, gold braclet and snake skin shoes walks in. Bob and Ben start arguing over what job they think he does.

    The suit goes to the toilet and bill tells bob hes going to sort this argument out once and for all and follows the suit in. "sorry sir but me and my friend bill were wondering what job you do", the suit smiles and tells him that he is a Probibilty Scientist. Bill looks confused so the suit tells him its easier to show rather than explain. coversation goes as follows:

    Suit: do you have any goldfish?
    Bill: Yeah 7 why?
    Suit: Well then its probable to assume you, since you have so many that you keep them in a pond?
    Bill: Yeah thats Right!
    Suit: Well since you have a pond its probable to assume you have a garden?
    Bill: yeah I do, got a huge garden
    Suit: Well since you have a huge garden its probable to assume you have a large house?
    Bill: Yes 5 bedrooms built it meself!
    Suit: Well then its probable to assume you dont live on your own?
    Bill: Nope a wife and 4 kids
    Suit: Well then since you have 4 kids its probable to assume you have a healthy sex life and dont have to "do it yourself" very often
    Bill: What me no never I get it loads of times a week

    With that the suit points out thats what he  does, from first finding out he has goldfish, he knows he has a large house, garden, pond, kids, wife and a healthy sex life, he then expalins he sells this info to marketing companies.

    Bill scurrys off to bob. Bob asks "what does he do?". Bill says "well its easier for me to show you, do you have any goldfish". Bob says no.

    "well then Bob, your a w*******r!!!!"
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited May 2011
    WHAT HAPPENED TO 

      BEN
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  • tapewormtapeworm
    edited May 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
    WHAT HAPPENED TO    BEN
    Posted by lucy4
    Ben died, he got stabbed by a drunk hoodie in an argument over a cornish pasty. Its that kind of pub.......it happens
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  • HITMAN_RVHITMAN_RV
    edited May 2011
    lol above !!

    Someone sent me this list of signs, thought i'd share

    Did I read that sign right?
    TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

    In a Laundromat:
    AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

    In a London department store:
    BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

    In an office:
    WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

    In an office:
    AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD       Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

    Notice in health food shop window:
    CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

    Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
    ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

    Seen during a conference:
    FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

    Notice in a farmer's field:
    THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

    Message on a leaflet:
    IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

    On a repair shop door:
    WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited May 2011
    Last night I was woken up by 4 West Ham players outside my house playing football with a Hedgehog, disgusted, I was about to phone the RSPCA....But then the Hedgehog went 1-0 up.
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  • Daniel87Daniel87
    edited May 2011
    Best joke ever

    Online poker site, yet only 92 players online
    who can i play with
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  • The_Don90The_Don90
    edited May 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
    Best joke ever Online poker site, yet only 92 players online who can i play with
    Posted by Daniel87
    yourself?
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  • MAXALLYMAXALLY
    edited May 2011


    The Europa League draw has already been made and Birmingham will face Rapid Decline followed by Inter Administration
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  • morse999morse999
    edited May 2011
    A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed
    a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and
    a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

    The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

    The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
    'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

    'Thanks,' the girl replied.     The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had
    tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
    rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
    faster.     '

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
    then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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  • morse999morse999
    edited May 2011
        
    LIQUOR WARNING...
    of course this does not apply to you and me, but you may want to pass this on to other people to warn them.

    Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and pants.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a t wat 
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING:the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible..
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, leaving you unable to account for large chunks of time.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your bum kicked.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.     

     
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