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Joke of the day!

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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited January 2011
    The Beckhams have only been in London for 5 days & Posh is already pregnant, Flop me, that John Terry dont mess about does he.
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  • firenetfirenet
    edited January 2011
    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
    'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
    'Because I pi$$ed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
    'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed.
    'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'
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  • HITMAN_RVHITMAN_RV
    edited January 2011
    George Michael has put in a written application for the Aston Villa managers job!!

     After reading that this week-end, the Villa strikers will be Young & Bent...and they may be gettin Keane !!
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  • emilyeggemilyegg
    edited January 2011

    Hibs.

    That is all.

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  • firenetfirenet
    edited January 2011
    Its been nearly 3 weeks and the misses is still not talking to me (verbal abuse not counted), normally we see the new year in with a bang, but...  Cut a long story short... While she was sleeping i swapped her tampon for a party popper!!
    No sense of humour
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  • waynecwaynec
    edited January 2011
    I was chased for 50 miles down the M6 yesterday by a police car after which they stopped me in a road block, the copper asked "Why did you not stop as it was only a spot check?" I explained to him that 3 weeks before my wife had run off with a copper, and was worried he was bringing her back!
    Boom Boom
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited January 2011


    A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service and asked for some pepper

    "Black pepper, or white pepper? asked the receptionist



    "Toilette Pepper!" 
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  • jackdajackda
    edited January 2011
    joke of the day!

    TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
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  • NODEALNODEAL
    edited February 2011
    75 yr old man goes to the confessional box to speak to  the priest,     he tells the priest he slept with five different young 18 yr old girls that week,    The priest says to him     well at least your here and your sorry!     The old guy said     Im not sorry    The priest said well why are you telling me then?     the old guy said    TELLING YOU??   IM TELLING FLIPPING EVERYBODY.
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  • -TARAS--TARAS-
    edited February 2011
    No offense to anyone (logdon) but i had to laugh
      Whats the diff between Iron man and Iron woman
         Iron man is a superhero   
             whereas Iron woman is a simple instruction
              
               I'm off to look for a place to hide :~)
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited February 2011
    I said to the wife the other day "You should go bra less more often" she went all coy and giggled "Why does it make me look sexy" I replied "No, but it certainly pulls the wrinkles out of your face"
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  • toonman96toonman96
    edited February 2011
    a duck goes into a bar and says do you av any bread no the bar man says duck says do u av any bread no duck again says do u av any bread no says the barman if u ask again im goin nail your beak to the bar duck says do u av any nails barman says no do u have any bread then
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  • DTWBANDITDTWBANDIT
    edited February 2011

        saw this thought of ian holloway getting his own back
        
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZN5PoW7_kdA
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  • NODEALNODEAL
    edited February 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
    I was driving from Amhuinnsuidh to Ardhasaig when I saw a hitch-hiker.  It's not a road that gets a car passing every day in the winter, so I stopped and gave her a lift.  She was a stunningly beautiful young woman with long black hair, prominent featires and a knowing glint in her dark eyes that reminded me curiously of LML. She asked me what I did for a living.  My mind was mush and I made up some implausible story about being an atronaught who was moonlighting as a professional poker player in order to fund a private expidition to Mars.  (Tell me your mind has never been mush!!)  Being an imaginative conversationalist, I then asked her what she did. "I'm a witch," she replied.  I did not immediately believe her. "What, you can turn people into frogs and things?" I asked.  (I told you I was an imaginative conversationalist. "Yes,"  she asserted, "I can turn people into anything I choose." "Prove it," I challenged. "OK," she agreed and promptly reached out and placed her hand on my knee.  Sure enough, with with no more ado, I immediately turned into a lay-by.
    Posted by metaraptor
    lol
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  • billybootsbillyboots
    edited February 2011
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day!:
    In Response to Re: Joke of the day! : Well, it was a coach trip to the Welsh Collieries and he kept popping out of this hole in the ground wanting to show me his Canary. Well, I've never seen a pink Canary before so I was Mega impressed. He was really Hansom and flirted with me, and before I could say Arther Scargill I was holding his Canary.  If you wish to meet him, he was Centre fold in Miners Weekly under the "Title" Miner with the biggest pick in the business. "Well think that's what it said".? 
    Posted by logdon
    You are so funny Annie...........you have a dirty mind in fact it seams you are the the pits.
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  • unknown_usernameunknown_username
    edited February 2011
    I got told yesterday that the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag, so when i woke up this morning i woke the missus up and said 'two sugars fat lass!'
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  • thorpey1thorpey1
    edited February 2011
     andy carroll has roll on the back of his shirt because the scoucers nicked his car
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  • goodylad21goodylad21
    edited February 2011
    Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
    It was just After Eight.
    They got off at Quality Street .
    He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
    'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.
    He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
    Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
    He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
    Soon they were Heart Throbs.
    It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
    But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
    Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
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  • goodylad21goodylad21
    edited February 2011
    The Girl Lodger


    A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

    "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

    The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

    After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
    "Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

    So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

    "Do you shave?"

    "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

    "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

    Then the girl went to bed and when the husband came in; the wife asked:

    "Did you see it?"

    "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

    "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

    "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"....
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited February 2011
    Wife with P.M.T  " Oi ...Do you want anything to eat "
    Husband " What choices are there honey " ?
    Wife " YES OR FECKING NO ".
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  • JingleMaJingleMa
    edited February 2011

    Courtesy of Young Gun:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHi6LCx6Lx8

    Very Funny!!

    *Warning* - You may find yourself singing this for the rest of the day and get beaten up pretty bad by your mates/colleagues/close family.
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  • -TARAS--TARAS-
    edited February 2011
           With Valentines day coming up, i've already booked a table. Don't know why i bother really coz shes c rap at snooker !
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  • andycapp09andycapp09
    edited February 2011
    a women moves to the city tobe closer to her new job on her first day she walks down the road to the local city centre on the way she passes a pet shop and out side was a parrot on the perch as she walks past and the parrot says " oi lady your ugly" the lady was out raged and goes in to the shop and tells the shop keeper the shop keeper says he would have a word with the parrot so the lady leaves for work. on her way back home she passes the same pet shop and there again the [parrot say "oi lady your ugly" the women being exhausted from her first day walks in to the shop and says the parrot did it again and the next time he does it i will get him put down so the shop keeper replies ill have another word with him. the next day the women sets off to work and passes the parrot and the parrot says "excuse me madam" the women looks at the parrot and the parrot say "you know"
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited February 2011
    The wife has left me this morning, she has taken my Bob Marley records & the satellite dish.........No Woman No Sky.
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  • HITMAN_RVHITMAN_RV
    edited February 2011
    FFS!!
     
    Can't that Jordan give it a rest!!

    Not just happy with picking on poor Peter Andre...... She's having a pop at Gattuso Now...what a cow !!
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  • lucy4lucy4
    edited February 2011
    My new  Chinese neighbour came up to me yesterday and said she was desperate for a good roger, it wasnt till i had my trousers & pants round my ankles with mr wiggly out i realised she only wanted to rent her spare room out............
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  • thorpey1thorpey1
    edited February 2011
     i booked a table for valentines day when we got there the wife went mental i thought she liked snooker
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  • weemalletweemallet
    edited February 2011
    when god created women why did he give them a nose?        so they could breathe when giving a b. j.
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  • HITMAN_RVHITMAN_RV
    edited March 2011
    How many men does it take to open a cold beer?

    None !!

    It should be open when she brings it !!
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  • paige55paige55
    edited March 2011
    BAD HITMAN RV,BAD ,BAD ,BAD.OK I WILL BRING YOU ONE ONLY IF YOU ASK NICELY.
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